This morning I attended a presentation skills training with Kirk Duncan of 3 Key Elements. He handed each of us an envelope with a letter “from our students” to inspire us to overcome the fears and challenges of getting a message into the world. As I read about the loneliness of being in the world without a strong support system, the difficulty of finding others to connect with who are really working on themselves and the life changing inspiration of been seen by a teacher tears rolled down my face. By the boxes of tissues passed around I could see I wasn’t the only one affected. After we had the opportunity to absorb the message we wrote a letter back to students committing to doing what it takes to connect. I wrote about understanding the loneliness of being in the world without a support system, which has been up for me recently, and my commitment to honor myself to be clear as a teacher.
My spiritual journey began by leaving the religion of my community of origin which meant being left in the world alone. 25 years of my life I committed to serving in the community, being fully engaged in that life. I was raised in a small, small farming community in northern Mexico – pre-internet times. The only messages that got through were heavily filtered through the guiding religious (LDS) views. I am eternally grateful to the authors such as Alexandre Dumas who wrote books of adventure and romance that opened my mind to a world larger than the farm. When I moved from the farm in Mexico I continued to be heavily involved in my church community, seeing the large global church community as an extension, knowing that anywhere on the planet I went I would always be home because there would be someone to open a door to me and maybe feed me a warm meal. My community was like air: life, sustenance, support, guidance, truth, connection, worldview - tribe. Church and community were one, deeply interwoven through me. ...and I didn’t notice it until it was gone.
I committed 2 apparently unforgivable sins at the same time – leaving an abusive relationship and heading out in the world seeking Truth. When I left I moved to a small apartment with two guys near ASU’s campus where I attended grad school. I had virtually no money. If ever I needed help, this was the time. What I got was shunned invisibility. For the final time I stood in what had been my kitchen in a gorgeous home in eastern Mesa, Arizona with every possible surface covered with food – for my ex-husband. Not a single person from the church community called me to see if I needed anything. After 25 years of serving, showing up, being involved and being very, very good following commandments, I could have died and it would have gone unnoticed.
At the training, a woman in front of me turned for us to share our letters to students with each other. She asked where I was from. When I responded Mexico she knew my family, I went to school with her younger brother. We grew up 4 blocks from each other in the Mormon Colonies, a very tight-knit community that has incredible bonds and incredible judgment. She wasn’t part of my community in Arizona, but part of the global community of church whose origins in Mexico are my deepest roots. The community by which I felt betrayed.
“This will be interesting” I thought. She doesn’t know my story, has no idea the impact of that time in my life. From home I expected judgment. It took courage to lift my eyes to look into hers with the pains of my soul so raw on paper.
What are the chances of two women who grew up in another country, one who traveled from another state for this training, meeting in this room of a hundred people and sitting across from each other for this exercise? Thank you, Divine.
She heard me read, “I understand the loneliness of being in the world without a support system.” 10 years of isolation live in that sentence. 10 years of courage, sometimes barely making it out of bed, sometimes not. 10 years of searching high and low for what was so terribly wrong with me that I - I as a human being, wasn't worthy of love. 10 years of life disjointed, alone. It took me several minutes to read this one sentence because the tears flowed faster than my words.
Holding her in mind as the symbol of my journey I let myself be seen. In the depth of beautiful blue, I let belonging, compassion and connection soak in. She shared her own story of feeling alone, physically challenged and wanting to extend peace into a world it can be fucking hard to stay in.
In awe and respect for the healing power of staying present and stepping up to be seen I will share 6 impossible things (from the latest Alice in Wonderland movie, also shared at this event):
-Humans can fly
-Humans, without fangs, claws, poison or even furry coats can evolve to have no predators
-I survived
-Two women who grew up four blocks from each other can meet in another country decades later and heal a deep wound by witnessing a single sentence.
-I can triple my income in three years, if I can do that why not do it in a year?
-I can change the world by seeing people and inviting them to do the same
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