A Seed is Planted, a Dream Unfolds

A warm breath of tea floats through our conversations. A dozen or more dancers are gathered on the Persian rugs in Dunya's apartment for evening dinner during our intensive training. Warming soup and loving talk thaw New York City's chilled November air. I overhear Dunya's voice articulate a tradition. The Teacher invites a student to take apples, dates and walnuts for forty days into an apartment in the city for practice and study in seclusion. During this time there is no contact with the outside world, though watchers will stop by to leave a warm bowl of soup at the door or check that the student hasn't lost it. This special retreat is a time of deep learning and personal growth.

As an off-the-charts introvert living in a world crowded by extroverts, the idea instantly appeals to me. The gears in my head start turning, planning my own version. I consider retreating to my yoga room, sneaking out to the nearby bathroom only when other house inhabitants are gone or sleeping. I wonder about structure, respect of space and quiet. I know there will be unwanted noise and interruptions at home. The gears keep turning, the months roll by.

Can I take that much time off work? It would take about nine weeks. A nugget of Dunya's wisdom is the reintroduction of the object of fasting, taking half of the fasting time to re-enter a normal pace. Breaking a long food fast with a huge steak dinner, rich sauces and vats of wine 'might' be jarring to the system. A technology fast from silence to the speed of eCommerce could be dizzying. Returning from a fast is a practice in itself of conscious awareness, respect for the journey and practitioner. Forty days of silence and solitude, twenty days of inviting limited interactions to grow to a normal pace, sixty days - at least.

As I ponder, I hear the desert call to me, inviting me home. Extreme boredom and discontent become the standard at work. As added fuel, Kate's Moonday experiment transforms the drudgery of Monday and gives voice to my creative fire. I love the community of friends I have at work and feel at home. I love spending my days with down-to-earth, smart and active people. I have found priceless allies in life's journey. I know how precious and rare it is to find this combination en masse. On the other hand, few of my actual skills and talents are used. I am bored and no longer challenged. I could train my cat to do my job and project an avatar of me above his head. No one would know. I am not living my potential. I have a comfortable life that requires very little effort on my part. I have become complacent. Do I stay or do I go? My heart's stirring can't be ignored. I must go.

During an especially frustrating weekly meeting I decide to quit my job before my birthday and work at a floral shop surrounded by beauty, using my hands to contribute to beauty in this world. I find a florist who caters to corporate clients so I can make connections to bridge the worlds of Dancemeditation and commerce. I imagine great womanly chats of business strategy, life and men while clipping stems and arranging flowers, soft music in the background embracing us as we work. I am very excited but my time at Backcountry isn't over yet. I feel it in my flesh. I know there is still more for me on my journey here so I opt for an Unpaid Adventure Leave of Absence which is even more fun because my Backcountry friends get to be a part of the adventure as well. As I share my plans with people I am honored they understand the spiritual quest as much as the adventure. I am rich with insights, advice and support.

In site selection Kate suggests a dream pillow with our friend Artemisia and Lavender. Through a beautiful and clear message she guides me to the San Rafael Swell, a beautiful and magical desert in Utah that will be my home for a brief though essential moment in time. It is a few hour's drive from where I live in Salt Lake City; close enough for my boyfriend to stop in over the weekend to make sure I haven't died or lost my mind; far enough out of traveler's way I can find the solitude I seek.

Alone in the harsh desert for forty days/six weeks is an ambitious goal so I start with a test run of two weeks for a total adventure of five and a half weeks. I will set the stage at the Summer Movement Monastery for two weeks, followed by two weeks of soul-searching on sun baked earth and a week of re-integration.

I am deeply in the purification stage, a snake shedding her skin. Old photos, old letters, old music to the trash. New space in my life. Old beliefs, old limitations burned in the fire of transformation to stand with me in the Here/Now honoring my path.

I take two questions to the desert: 1) what is my place in this world? 2) how do I stay true to myself? As they percolate my experience I know that valuing myself must come before being true to myself, which is a precursor to taking my place in this world. Self-rejection comes up strong, a flavor of self-hatred only slipperier. In my child mind this seems the only way to survive. Here/Now it keeps me alive yet trapped in a world of my own making with which I'm not entirely thrilled. A ferocious transformational Goddess roars within me, the rebel breaking bonds, the Seeker searching for Truth and Pleasure in my Soul. Bring it!

Answering the Desert's Call

The desert calls to me. She invites me into the wild womb of nature to Know myself, this world and my place in it. She asks me to come to my edge. In her harsh extremes she encourages me to explore mine. With her subtle beauty she implores me to nourish mine. I answer her call seeking solitude, insight and Truth. My heart opens to her warmth. It pleads for the sun's rays to permeate me, to burn away the veils, to open the door. My body yearns for the comforting embrace of the desert floor, to be held in the warmth of the earth mother, to know her love and to share mine.

I know that the work of retreat begins with the commitment to attend. In this retreat I feel particularly supported by both my Backcountry family and Sufi sisters. So far my primary allies include Van with his blessing and guidance on both physical and spiritual levels, Ceci with her resources for wilderness survival skills and insights, Bob with location scouting and gear selection, Kate with her herbal support for nourishment and guidance, the dogfunk van for their shared excitement and Ken's loan of "The Secret Knowledge of Water" to learn more about the essential resource in the desert, Brian with his help in clarifying goals and willingness to chop my locks for donation, my planning and buying teams for their enthusiasm and covering my duties while I am away. Another Sufi sister, Ann, will be at retreat in concert with me whirling with the Dervishes in Turkey. I am lucky to be so held in this process and pray this journey will be an inspiration to others who feel drawn in their own way.