Heartbreakingly Beautiful Happy Solstice

On my way to dance the Solstice with Shannon Simonelli I felt my heart breaking. For joy. Heart so full, happy and alive that she needs more space to exist. Breathe, open, expand. From past heartbreaks I know how much space enters lusciously through the jagged cracks. Leonard Cohen says it best, "there's a crack in everything; that's how the light gets in."

Tonight we danced darkness to light, releasing what no longer served us, appreciating the beauty and richness of our lives and inviting L I G H T - that which we desire. In a deeply intuitive moment Shannon invited us to blend our gratitude with our desire. I felt blue lightning crackle through my Being, bringing these together in time/space, weaving threads in the Universe. Fully in the moment I recognized that my gratitude and Big Desire now are one and the same.

F R E E D O M. FREEdom. Freedom. Through my Dancemeditation, Yoga and Diamond Approach practices (etc.) I have found freedom physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, socially, relationally, sexually, recreationally, spiritually, creatively... That's a lot of -lys. Every aspect of my life has been enhanced through this work. I have connected with my power and strength, grown, developed self-awareness, healed, recovered, developed trust, connected and transformed. I know the power of this work, walking the path and facing life - giving her the honor she is worth.

This is my gratitude. And this is my desire.

I want to share this from my Being - wisdom, power, sensuality. Connect to this; we are free. My desire for the world: be Free. Know and feel this in every cell. Finding this in myself, in this collection of molecules in the Universe known as Sandi is a damn good place to start. There's a big huge world and I need other leaders with me. Leaders with vision, courage and clarity to lead with clarity, to clarity for a synergistically powerful, life-affirming world. Sound good?

Do you have the courage to follow me? To Lead with me? and lead us to follow you? Come find me, let's show the world her Power and set us Free.

Gain Peace of Mind, Lose Street Ninjas

Dunya, my Dancemeditation teacher, explains the Sufi practice of whirling as an acknowledgment that we always turn toward one thing and away from another. In the brutally heart-wrenching process of ending a relationship I explore these choices:

Gain space, lose companionship
Gain self-respect, lose best friend
Gain self-awareness, lose keys (comical how stress compounds stress)
Gain interdependence, lose sense of isolation
Gain depth and discrimination, lose illusion
Gain self-reliance, lose comfort
Gain tight muscles and fever blisters, lose tears
Gain anger and distance, lose attachment
Gain more truth in my life, lose long pattern of enduring lies
Gain sleep, lose Jackson Hole
Gain fear, lose fear

Gain fear, lose fear? Not a koan, only recognition of the outstanding power in consciously walking through the fire, letting awareness dance in the flames… transforming. Experience fear, lose fear perhaps more accurate. It has been said that our development progresses along a spiral. We revisit key issues from different perspectives as we grow. Multi-perspective insight supports our evolution.

This break-up and concurrent move triggered deep issues of survival, isolation and abandonment (oddly as the one leaving – but it is there). An opportunity emerges to explore interdependence and boundaries in a new light. Deeply grateful for the near decade of deep transformative work on my tool belt, I walk, cry and laugh through the learning exposing new depths to each issue.

Why do Round People Live in Squares?

A design teacher I had in college explained that nature never makes a straight line. Because I learn experientially and want to Know for myself, I look for validation. After minutes, hours, days and weeks of exploration...

Confirmed. I have yet to find a straight line in the wild.

Last night Dan Schmidt brought this home again with talks of spiral built bones, spiral flow and multi-dimensional wonderlands. He mentioned an upcoming exciting new book by Theodore Roszak, "Change Your Body, Change the World." You think there might be a connection?

When I returned from my desert trek I was painfully aware of how inhumane this 'civilization' is. A colleague summed it up as "why do round people live in squares?" After spending weeks in intimate contact with the wild and free flow of nature, returning to fluorescent lights and blocked off walls felt constraining and unnatural. Civilization is so boxy and rigid, lacking the spark of uncontrollable wild.

Last year Bob and I spent Thanksgiving in Joshua Tree National Park for the Yogaslackers Redefining Balance retreat. Jason led us through an asana practice and had us move our mats to the side. He mentioned the obvious truth I had not recognized that most of the time we try to protect ourselves from the elements rather than engage them.

On the RideShare van to work another colleague mentioned that even those of us who play in nature quite often are usually insulated from her touch. If we do happen to touch nature it means something has gone terribly wrong, like we've wrecked on our bikes and our now a dirty pile of mud and blood.

With our health so intimately tied to nature: Engage!

Consciously, willingly and generously.

I find myself hungry for the real, the wild and the free. Movement gets me there, especially in nature. How do you get there?

Photolog - Overview

Overview of my journey in the desert - Most of the pictures are mine, a few are from Bob's camera. Other people you will see in the pictures besides me include Bob, our cats Calvin (the camping cat) and Priscilla, our buddy Jaime, his doggy Lily and our friends Luke and Stacy. Around the middle of the trip Bob brought me fresh supplies and made sure I wasn't under a rock, bitten by a snake or in some other catastrophe. At the end Bob brought our buddy Jaime and his beautiful dog Lily down. After my trip we returned to the same area to climb with friends Luke and Stacy. The really rad music is Apocalyptica interpreting Metallica.

Enjoy:

Moving at the Speed of Elements

1st in the "Dancemeditation(TM) in the Wild" series

Time doesn't actually exist anywhere. We can't touch it or taste it or breathe it. Although we experience it passing, it is a fabrication. Time is a perception we live by in the human world.

Wilderness desert has her own time. What to us is a million years is nothing in desert time. Wind blows, water flows, plants grow and die, mountains erode, stars fall, and life ebs and flows in the depth without regard to being marked on a clock or calendar.

As I absorbed the beauty of the land formed by water and air and reflected on the drop that is a million years, I moved with the elements at their speed.


Air was chaotic and wild, a violent storm bringing life: seeds and the water to open and flourish them. My breath was forceful like dragon's fire. Fast and flinging, my limbs were separate and free. I shimmered like leaves in a gust. Directions changed on a whim and without warning. I was power and freedom embodied.


Water entered hypnotic flow. Curvilinear movements breathed into each other, connecting my awareness to my body - one liquid in a unifying membrane. Arms led the way, opening space for my torso to curve into the space created. My hips, always eager for their turn, widened the bend and my legs waved like s l o w tadpoles following the stream.


Earth brought me into glacially slow, a Dancemeditation practice I first learned at a workshop in Santa Fe. It could take an hour to stand up and turn around. Once in the space, an incredibly deepening practice. A witness of me in the workshop commented that it didn't look like I was moving at all, yet when she looked back at me I had shifted. This is the desert at the land's pace and she appreciated me slowing down to witness her.


Fire lives in me, electric transformation at work. Yet this element I couldn't quite get in movement. I tried explosive and it felt fake. I worked with waves of fire and it felt like flow. As I write this I realize the glow of the sun, the dimensionality aspect of the Diamond Approach 5 Movements practice is how I express fire. She and I are one, I only need sense to embody her, which I do in each interaction with God's creatures. This is what allows transformation to occur where I am the catalyst.

The Last Thursday

Near the end of my retreat I started coming out of contraction. In Dancemeditation the practitioner goes through stages of contraction and expansion, the deep work happens in contraction allowing the open space to occur in expansion. As I emerged from contraction I started turning my focus to what needs to be done when I get home, who I need to connect with... life outside of my Swell retreat bubble. I feel like it has been a good retreat. I know myself better, feel more self-reliant and self-confident. I have had some incredible meditations and great insight, seen a lot of cool things, been able to be calm in scary situations (snakes, spiders...), and have enjoyed the time by myself. Reviewing the last couple of weeks and thinking of wrapping up I feel like it has been a really mellow retreat all in all - nothing crazy, no standard Swell epics. My only regret is I haven't been able to pet a cat (mountain lions roam this area). Considering a big cat could easily eat me for dinner this probably isn't such a bad thing. I see Cat Canyon on the map and figure that a place by the name of Cat Canyon would be a good place to see cats.

My hunt for the elusive Cat Canyon takes two days. On the first day I drive to an old mining area and scramble up near the top of the canyon. I expected to walk a good bit more before getting into the hiking as a lot of the road I took showed unimproved on the map. Unimproved roads in the Swell usually mean impassable in anything but a high clearance 4WD. My 2WD space pod sports car is not the recommended mode of transport for this land. I am surprised that I can drive to the cabins which opens up a world of possibility for travel. Scrambling I get up just above the level of the mines. It looks like if I traverse I can possibly go higher or I can get shut down. I have already made some scary moves I am not looking forward to reversing and it looks like more of the same with greater exposure with the potential of a worse cliff on the other side before descending into the canyon on the other side. Reversing my hike I traverse farther out to see if I can avoid some of the scarier scrambling and find most of it is worse. I slowly make my way back to the car. In my rush to see kitty cats I consider just driving out to the freeway and trying my second option without going back to camp to change my note so Bob can find me if I don't come back to camp for some reason. Luckily good sense prevails and I head back to camp, calling it a night.



The next day (Thursday) I head out again, driving the 30 miles out of the Swell to the freeway. As I merge with traffic I feel myself shift gears inside to match the pace of the descendants of industrial age machines that have replaced solid earth as my companions. I drive several miles down the freeway and re-enter the Swell farther West. As I drive deeper into the desert I see no other vehicle tracks and no recent signs of human activity. Early I came upon a wash that was sketchy so I turned back and went the other way. This brought me into a pretty good wash that I was able to navigate fairly easily most of the way at a maximum speed of 20 mph (although I realized if there was a flash flood I was heading the wrong direction with no ability to turn around and would be in trouble). Along this wash I saw a dead cow and took it as a sign there were cats nearby. Although the cats would have eaten it and not left so much waste, I was on a mission to see them so interpreted unlikely things as signs. Shortly after the cow I encountered a side road that looked like a good shortcut. After .3 miles it suddenly turned into a washed out rutted path and I thought I was stuck. Fortunately Alexa (my car) and I have a good relationship so she pulled through for me even though I had gotten us into this mess. I made a cautious sketch turn to back out of that area and got back to the wash. Now I am on edge instead of just uneasy as I continue down the wash. Soon I gain elevation and get great views of the (La Sal?) mountains to the west and a canyon that looks like a likely cat hangout. At the highest point in the road I notice there is a nice turn around section and think "I should just turn around here and head back, it's late in the afternoon."



Instead, I head down into the next section. The road is steep with a cliff on one side. I have a strong presentimiento as I shift into 1st gear to descend. At the bottom of the road is the sign below. I am 70 miles from the nearest town, 13.3 miles from I-70, no cell service for many miles and no signs of other human life in the Swell for days - REMOTE! I think to myself, "this could be bad" as I head into slippery, slidy, get dug in and stuck sand. My car slides across the road and I know I need to turn around quickly before I get into deeper trouble. I find a spot that feels almost stable, do a quick turn and head back out of the wash. I am definitely freaked out now and remind myself of the basic sand and mud rule - keep going. I feeling pretty good about heading out and feel like I narrowly avoided a disaster.



My car starts to slide, I feel it jerk followed by an unnerving banging/bouncing sound/sensation. I panic and do the one thing I shouldn't do which is stop the car. I managed to get the front wheels dug in as deep as the underbelly.



After assessing the situation I get back in the car and try backing out turning the wheels and just spin in deeper.



So I start digging out sand and building a rock bridge. I'm glad I learned the skill I hope to never use again when Bob and I tried to feed his 4-wheel drive Subaru to the Black Dragon Wash 6-weeks or so before on that ill-fated scouting trip.



I think "this is Thursday night, help will come Saturday" - hopefully Bob can find my note and I took the roads I said I'd take so it will be easy for him to find me. Surveying my situation I realize I have 5 gallons of water in the trunk, glad I kept it there instead of taking it out at camp. Random food will sustain me and I can sleep in the car if needed. Looking around I see limited shade opportunities to escape the punishing sun in the heat of the day. I think about blowing my whistle for help, but since there had been no other signs of human activity or tracks on my ride in I felt like it would only add to my sense of desolation.



Situation assessed I drink some water, chew a little osha root (very helpful) and kept digging and gathering rocks for bridges. It was slow moving, but it was moving.


Encouraged to see progress, in the midst of digging I laughed to myself, "this is still better than work."



Warm sand feels soothing in my hands and along my arms. I have been dirty for days so didn't mind digging in, resting my belly on the warm floor to reach under the car. Rhythmic repeated motion became a meditation. After a few bridges I was able to re-use the rocks and extend each bridge farther.



I notice a harder packed area to the passenger side and think if I could get my wheel there I'll be set. After about 60-90 minutes, fortunately in the cooler part of the day, I finally build the last bridge. The car drives over it, onto the hard pack, up and out of the wash to a big Woot!



My heart pounds quickly with joy and relief, a happy high!





























I did want to test my self-reliance and passed with flying colors even with the presentimiento as I was driving down into that canyon. I had less than half a tank of fuel and used that as the excuse to drive to Green River to feed Alexa and myself. It was time for a burger!

Spa Day in the Swell

How do you create luxurious pampering in a harsh, remote environment? Spa day! Yes, it is possible even all alone, with limited resources, deep in the heart of the San Rafael Swell. I had flowing water, a rich creamy lotion (completely out of place with most of my other gear) and my resourcefulness.

During my time in the Swell I frequented the creek, mostly to ward of sunstroke. When the fiery imagery reminiscent of my heat hallucinations in Costa Rica arose in meditations I knew it was time to soothe fire with water. Usually I climbed into the knee deep creek fully clothed and submerged myself to keep the coolness alive on my skin longer.

After some rough nights and even rougher days I felt it was time for some pampering, hence Spa Day and laundry day. The reason for laundry day was in the interest of simplicity I packed two pairs of pants and three shirts plus fuzzy pants and a sweater for sleeping (and a pair of clean socks and underwear, no bras – yay, for each day). Clearly, everything was filthy. Beyond the requisite desert dust there were tea and food remains, the perma-stench from sweating profusely into the same clothes in the 100+ degree heat day after day, soot rubbing off my cooking pot, random small insects, and unrecognizable particulate matter from whatever floats in the muddy creek: icky (yet heavenly in its own way).

Spa day wasn’t the typical dip and run visit but a nice soak and scrub from head to toe. Despite the obvious dubious benefits of bathing in something called “Muddy Creek” I stripped down at ‘the beach’ and got in, enjoying squishing my toes through the mud while I encouraged my body to slide into the cool water, cringing at the shocking temperature difference. I found rocks to hold my clothes steady so they could wash in the current while I leisurely rolled myself around in the creek, enjoying the cool wash. A light cloud cover rolled in – water letting me know she had my back. I submerged myself completely several times and took my time enjoying all the sights, sounds and sensations along the creek. A beetle came chirping scared down the creek as he had fallen in and I splashed him to the shore. I noticed how nice it felt to help another creature along and contrasted the feeling with the earlier glee of killing a fly that had bitten me. Where along the compassion to self-defense continuum do creatures fall?

As I submerged myself I remembered my childhood baptism at the age of 8 where all parts of person including clothing had to be submerged. Because I had long ago traded in my family’s religion for seeking my truth I decided to repeat my own version of baptism “by the authority granted to me by myself and the San Rafael Swell” washing away the superfluous parts of years past into the cool desert stream. I felt clean, refreshed and renewed.

When I got out of my bath I massaged the ridiculously rich lotion into my skin, especially my feet which I then covered in socks to keep them from collecting even more insane amounts of dirt. I scrubbed my face with herbal wet-wipes and did some minor cuticle maintenance. All in all the best spa day I’ve had in a while. I spent the rest of the luxurious evening wandering wrapped in a light wrap enjoying the cool-ish air as the cloud cover remained until the bugs came out at dusk.

Transitioning Back to Society

Today was my first day back at work after 5 1/2 weeks in meditation/adventure/personal land. All in all it was a gentle roll back into the rhythm of 'work at a desk' life. Full blooms of tangerine colored roses brought the pleasure of scent with the beautiful reminder of the richest colors of the desert into my space.

The afternoon included a nice walk by the Swaner Eco Center. I enjoyed the birds calling and the long grasses waving in the the slow wind, a reminder of listening to the approaching wind through the canyon in the Swell. Dry wind, the faint smell of desert, a small squirrel and a single yellow sweet clover brought me into the depths of feeling at home. I LOVE Summer.

Conversations were interesting and lively as always. Thanks to the indescribably wonderful people of Backcountry I didn't even have to rely on chocolate, my everlasting friend, to make it through the day!

Photolog - Highlights

Wow, home already? I have spent a week re-integrating with society - rough. So far fuel and groceries felt disorienting, dizzy and I had to split ASAP. I've been hiding out at home with the cats putzing around. Getting out for some climbing and mountain biking to ease the transition. The Wasatch Mountains I call home aren't the Swell though they are another of nature's marvelous beauty and a 'helluva' lot better than fluorescent lights.

Notes on this photolog:

1) Starts with the preparation (aprox. 72 days) and the blue hair highlights and continues through the two weeks in the Swell (San Rafael Swell, southern Utah). There will most likely be some post-trip pictures included in the future. Since I did some drastic things with my hair thought it would be nice to show the transformation. Also interesting to note is how bright blue my eyes become through long periods in meditation. I included some photos of my time at retreat "setting the stage" where Nisaa buzzed my hair, traveling from New York and events of the few days at home between trips including a friend's wedding at Snowbird (where there was still snow on the ground in spots - trippy before heading out into 100+ degrees a few hours away).

2) I took most of the pictures. Exceptions: "no services for 100 miles" (challenging to make out what it says at that size) came from americansouthwest.net to show the remoteness of the area (didn't want to stop for the picture when I drove in); July 4th weekend Bob came down with water, veggies and to check on me. The final days he brought our buddy Jaime with his beautiful dog Lily to help him build a route, some pictures during these times are Bob's.

3) The first few days were brutal as you can see in the pictures, beastly hot with bugs worse than the heat (you'll see some pictures showing my grumpiness at their presence). Even Kate's fabulous Protection Spray couldn't keep the particularly fierce gnats and biting flies away. Bob tried three different bug sprays while he was there and still got eaten alive. The white/pink on my lips in some pictures is the only lip sunscreen I've ever found to work like a charm: Burt's Bees Sun & Snow (worth the funky look).

4) There are a few scenery pictures showing blessed storms brewing, dropping the temperature anywhere from 10-15 degrees (often it was 95 degrees in the shade and I spent a lot of time just waiting for the sun to set). The temperature range I recorded was from 115 degrees to 50 degrees. I saw two readings of 124 degrees and 144 degrees respectively though I don't trust those as my altimeter watch/thermometer was in the direct sun on a reflective surface (although 124 is not out of the realm of possibility). I am pretty sure it was colder than 50 degrees some nights, though I just curled deeper into my down sleeping bag instead of checking. There was a lot of variation in the nighttime temperature. Some nights I slept nearly naked, others even bundled up I was freezing. One night my toes were so cold I had to get in the car to warm up.

The next full photolog will be a more complete story showing some of my desert friends on the journey and the requisite Swell experience of fine to fucked in a matter of seconds. Stay tuned!

Water Blessings

Our prayers for water were answered! There were a couple of great storms. Even with more thundering and rumbling than rain, the dense cloud cover brought the temperatures down to a manageable range.

Thank you everyone for the cool watery thoughts, prayers, blessings and support!

the journey so far

Offering Acceptance to the Elements

In "The Rock Warrior's Way" by Arno Ilgner, who teaches rock climbers to manage fear, he suggests accepting consequences as a crucial part of the process. His practical advice is to observe the climb, climber and consequence of a fall before moving. If you don't accept the consequence, don't climb; if you do accept the consequence climb fearlessly. By accepting consequence there is no need for fear. In the spirit of a rock warrior it felt important to accept what I may face in the desert. Early in my approximately 72 days of preparation I accepted the possibility of death. I imagine death as the ultimate peace, the best sleep ever - forever, the deep Sufi state of Fanā - annihilation or complete passage into the cool dark silence of Truth. That one is easy, my deepest longing. To remind me to come home alive (part of the desert survival toolkit is the will to live) my dear Sufi sister Gayla got me a pin to take into the desert on my sun hat "to remember I am loved." At the Summer Movement Monastery over the space of two days I reviewed other things I may face and offered my acceptance of them to the elements. During the first week we had a session to paint veils and work at our own pace. I wrote the reasons for my quest; my prayer for guidance, protection, space and truth; and my acceptance. As I wrote each item ranging from discomfort to tests of my commitment to personal growth, I sat with them until I accepted their possibly in body and heart. Injury was by far the hardest one. In May 2003 Aron Ralston had to amputate his arm to survive a boulder which fell on him while canyoneering in Southern Utah. Having to face a similar decision or life with a permanent handicap is infinitely more terrifying than death. To accept injury it finally came to, "I accept what I have to work with, even if that is how to I find freedom while feeling trapped." Early in the retreat several of us visited the waterfall near the old Mansion we called home for two weeks. Beautiful prayers were offered by Anastasia for clean water to accompany my journey and for the water going to the oil spill in the Gulf. Later in the retreat during break time I returned to the stream farther down from the waterfall to offer my acceptance to the elements and invite them on my journey. My tender feet negotiated the sharp, slippery rocks. Even with gingerly steps I sometimes stumbled, catching myself before landing in a splash. I made my way upstream to stand in the center of the cool water which wrapped around my calves. I spoke to each of the elements as friends and knowing there will be an abundance of earth, sun and wind I re-iterated a special invitation to water. I read my desires and acceptance out loud, offering them from my soul. As I finished we heard fireworks in the distance and I laughed, "let the games begin."

A Seed is Planted, a Dream Unfolds

A warm breath of tea floats through our conversations. A dozen or more dancers are gathered on the Persian rugs in Dunya's apartment for evening dinner during our intensive training. Warming soup and loving talk thaw New York City's chilled November air. I overhear Dunya's voice articulate a tradition. The Teacher invites a student to take apples, dates and walnuts for forty days into an apartment in the city for practice and study in seclusion. During this time there is no contact with the outside world, though watchers will stop by to leave a warm bowl of soup at the door or check that the student hasn't lost it. This special retreat is a time of deep learning and personal growth.

As an off-the-charts introvert living in a world crowded by extroverts, the idea instantly appeals to me. The gears in my head start turning, planning my own version. I consider retreating to my yoga room, sneaking out to the nearby bathroom only when other house inhabitants are gone or sleeping. I wonder about structure, respect of space and quiet. I know there will be unwanted noise and interruptions at home. The gears keep turning, the months roll by.

Can I take that much time off work? It would take about nine weeks. A nugget of Dunya's wisdom is the reintroduction of the object of fasting, taking half of the fasting time to re-enter a normal pace. Breaking a long food fast with a huge steak dinner, rich sauces and vats of wine 'might' be jarring to the system. A technology fast from silence to the speed of eCommerce could be dizzying. Returning from a fast is a practice in itself of conscious awareness, respect for the journey and practitioner. Forty days of silence and solitude, twenty days of inviting limited interactions to grow to a normal pace, sixty days - at least.

As I ponder, I hear the desert call to me, inviting me home. Extreme boredom and discontent become the standard at work. As added fuel, Kate's Moonday experiment transforms the drudgery of Monday and gives voice to my creative fire. I love the community of friends I have at work and feel at home. I love spending my days with down-to-earth, smart and active people. I have found priceless allies in life's journey. I know how precious and rare it is to find this combination en masse. On the other hand, few of my actual skills and talents are used. I am bored and no longer challenged. I could train my cat to do my job and project an avatar of me above his head. No one would know. I am not living my potential. I have a comfortable life that requires very little effort on my part. I have become complacent. Do I stay or do I go? My heart's stirring can't be ignored. I must go.

During an especially frustrating weekly meeting I decide to quit my job before my birthday and work at a floral shop surrounded by beauty, using my hands to contribute to beauty in this world. I find a florist who caters to corporate clients so I can make connections to bridge the worlds of Dancemeditation and commerce. I imagine great womanly chats of business strategy, life and men while clipping stems and arranging flowers, soft music in the background embracing us as we work. I am very excited but my time at Backcountry isn't over yet. I feel it in my flesh. I know there is still more for me on my journey here so I opt for an Unpaid Adventure Leave of Absence which is even more fun because my Backcountry friends get to be a part of the adventure as well. As I share my plans with people I am honored they understand the spiritual quest as much as the adventure. I am rich with insights, advice and support.

In site selection Kate suggests a dream pillow with our friend Artemisia and Lavender. Through a beautiful and clear message she guides me to the San Rafael Swell, a beautiful and magical desert in Utah that will be my home for a brief though essential moment in time. It is a few hour's drive from where I live in Salt Lake City; close enough for my boyfriend to stop in over the weekend to make sure I haven't died or lost my mind; far enough out of traveler's way I can find the solitude I seek.

Alone in the harsh desert for forty days/six weeks is an ambitious goal so I start with a test run of two weeks for a total adventure of five and a half weeks. I will set the stage at the Summer Movement Monastery for two weeks, followed by two weeks of soul-searching on sun baked earth and a week of re-integration.

I am deeply in the purification stage, a snake shedding her skin. Old photos, old letters, old music to the trash. New space in my life. Old beliefs, old limitations burned in the fire of transformation to stand with me in the Here/Now honoring my path.

I take two questions to the desert: 1) what is my place in this world? 2) how do I stay true to myself? As they percolate my experience I know that valuing myself must come before being true to myself, which is a precursor to taking my place in this world. Self-rejection comes up strong, a flavor of self-hatred only slipperier. In my child mind this seems the only way to survive. Here/Now it keeps me alive yet trapped in a world of my own making with which I'm not entirely thrilled. A ferocious transformational Goddess roars within me, the rebel breaking bonds, the Seeker searching for Truth and Pleasure in my Soul. Bring it!

Answering the Desert's Call

The desert calls to me. She invites me into the wild womb of nature to Know myself, this world and my place in it. She asks me to come to my edge. In her harsh extremes she encourages me to explore mine. With her subtle beauty she implores me to nourish mine. I answer her call seeking solitude, insight and Truth. My heart opens to her warmth. It pleads for the sun's rays to permeate me, to burn away the veils, to open the door. My body yearns for the comforting embrace of the desert floor, to be held in the warmth of the earth mother, to know her love and to share mine.

I know that the work of retreat begins with the commitment to attend. In this retreat I feel particularly supported by both my Backcountry family and Sufi sisters. So far my primary allies include Van with his blessing and guidance on both physical and spiritual levels, Ceci with her resources for wilderness survival skills and insights, Bob with location scouting and gear selection, Kate with her herbal support for nourishment and guidance, the dogfunk van for their shared excitement and Ken's loan of "The Secret Knowledge of Water" to learn more about the essential resource in the desert, Brian with his help in clarifying goals and willingness to chop my locks for donation, my planning and buying teams for their enthusiasm and covering my duties while I am away. Another Sufi sister, Ann, will be at retreat in concert with me whirling with the Dervishes in Turkey. I am lucky to be so held in this process and pray this journey will be an inspiration to others who feel drawn in their own way.

The Art of Clarity in Leadership

Work in progress - the stages of developing clarity:

Awareness
Inquiry
Acceptance
Purification
Stillness
Receptivity
Connection

Wrapping up 40 days

The take-away: A lot more body awareness, connecting with my strength and feeling more comfortable in my skin. Learning to move my body in a new way, more subtle awareness of mechanics and motion and how to support the natural beauty in my body's design. Making connections both within myself and referring potential clients to people who have been influential in my process, most notably Dan Schmidt and Kate Temple-West. It can be scary to refer people, what if they don't like the referral? What if they have a bad experience and blame you? What if they think you are weird or something? On the other hand it can be very gratifying to share something with others, watch a change in someone's life and even more gratifying when it helps build an important business supporting amazing people doing incredible work. Worked through most of "The New Rules of Posture" practices - will be a lifelong journey of exploration and re-visiting. Time to lend the book to another friend who is interested in exploring fascia.

Intuition = Success

My first executive leadership practice was a great success. I didn't know what would come of the session, I trust my Dancemeditation practice to bring evolution over time. My first introduction to the practice was a 10-day retreat, I have no experience with doing a 90-minute session for starters. Apparently the practice, combined with the space I created for conversation and my encouragement to discuss feelings opened up some great conversations that are already having an impact in the organization. A jubilant, Yes!

The weekend before teaching set the stage with a lot of deep work in the Diamond Approach weekend and a really beautiful deep personal practice Monday evening to set the stage for Tuesday evening's work. Over two years ago I started thinking along these lines and over time the idea has taken shape as I have become more clear - both with myself and my intention. One of the key contributors has been our amazingly in tune HR Director who helped push me out of my nest to invite members of the executive team to join. Again very grateful for their involvement and trust/respect in me as teacher during that time.

Finding Strength - Days 28-34

Working along the back from feet to head I realize how little awareness I have of the dorsal plane, other than a kinked neck. Even imagining breath into my back is a challenge. I notice the tell-tell bruises of my Structural Integration series appear along my legs and back and look for the opening. At one point near the end of Wednesday's session (or was it last week's?) Dan did some work with my neck which was unbelievably comforting, like being held as a baby. Since then I have noticed less tension in the neck. Apparently I use my back as a brake. My homework is to move from sitting to standing and moving by using my arms as levers.

The Diamond Approach weekend was intensely satisfying. I rode my bike on the last day in fabulous weather. As we were exploring pleasure with a tangerine hue I made my Red Velvet cake I've been perfecting over the last few months with some yellow for the Markabah color. Mmmm... When I got to work on Monday I found a beautiful scarf with a tangerine hue on my chair, a great gift. We explored the experience of pleasure and the blocks to experiencing pleasure. A theme that kept coming up for me was connecting to strength, particularly in supporting sensitivity and boundaries. Often my pathway to strength is through truly experiencing anger or shame as they transform. When I began this work six years ago I spent a lot of time working with these distortions and am back in the same throws. I realize the spiraling nature of this work which although it feels like no progress has been made the reality must be exploring a deeper layer of this issue on the spiral. Because I am small I often forget my physical strength, one of the gifts pointed out by our teacher in the process, a lot of physical strength to support the growing experience of internal support and guidance. Another insight was the cold shivering I often feel when upset - allow the body's natural response to shake off fear.

My two practices I am carrying with me from Mary Bond's book are breathing into the back and engaging the TA for core support.

19 Degrees and Waiting... (Days 24-27)

I want to ride my bike, Mr. Weather has a different plan. At 19 Degrees I drive to the vanpool in the morning with gloves and a thick coat.

This weekend's Structural Integration series included the psoas, not as painful as other sessions though just as effective. As I was leaving work today I noticed that I feel taller and maybe I am. Will have a mid-week Structural Integration session as I am attending a Diamond Approach workshop on the Markabah this weekend. No doubt it will be an enlightening weekend.

I have four executives signed up for our first practice in Subtlety in the Art of Leadership. I appreciate the trust they have to join me - finalizing space for next Tuesday, Yay!

Spent the evening reminiscing on my film days, realizing how crucial creative connection is to my happiness. Often creativity has to take a second place to minor things like survival. Occasionally I realize how my wildness frightens people. When I was working in film it was so free and fun, though an extremely hard way to make a living. Seeking balance between stability and freedom is not an easy task, but I'm up for the challenge.

Wiggle it! (Day 23 and 22a)

Celebrated Ash Wednesday dancing at a friend's church (to Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall). Late in the afternoon I felt achy and tired, unmotivated. As I got to the church and rehearsed I came alive and in performing fire shot through me into the late evening. I danced in rigidity and chaos - both out of my comfort zone of flowing - to express the trappings and freedom in the song. About a decade ago I recognized that my search for Truth had to be outside of church and made crazy sacrifices for it - everyone's journey is different the very awake minister found her search within the ministry and we arrived at... the same place... the strange and wonderful journey that is life.

Started my Spring bike commute this morning. Since I recently moved my getting in shape is grateful for the 2 miles of easy travel compared to my nearly 7 miles with hills for fantastic interval training, though once I get in shape I'm really going to miss that great morning workout. Maybe I'll ride the old route for good measure this weekend. I am infinitely happier while moving.

Today (Thursday) realized it is Year of the Tiger (since Sunday), no wonder I'm on fire, it's MY YEAR to shine. Exploring fascia in Mary Bond's book. I just might wiggle through my day today, feel all the lovely openings and freedom in letting my fascia slide.

Following Darkness, Light

The sun is shining, the days are longer, the flat on my bike is fixed and thanks to my boyfriend I have and know how to use a patch kit. I rode the bike down the street last night to test the gears. Even the chill in the evening air felt good. I miss my nearly 7 mile one way (up hill in the snow both ways barefoot with snow leaches) hilly cardio-fest bike commute to my carpool and look forward to the Summer and Fall torture fest up Millcreek and down through the Canyons into Park City. It's a long commute to work though serenely beautiful and unbelievably rewarding. Bring it!

My challenge is to work through all of the exercises in Mary Bond's book in the next 20 days.

Day 21 & 22 - Breath and Orientation in movement. I notice more openness than the first time I worked through these explorations a few months ago. RemedyWave last night was deep and wonderful, 90 minutes felt like 12. My practice is taking on a different quality, more clarity along with the natural deepening. Confidence and trust are interweaving, craving radiance and movement.

After the Bliss, the Agony - Riding the Wave (Days 13-20)

A tumble of pains and emotions - the highlights got a great new mattress (latex memory foam) - look forward to molding with it. Structural Integration series - about mid-week I noticed my right shoulder blade align better from the work last Saturday, it was a subtle shift and a great joy. As I shared with Dan he mentioned the settling process can take half a year and I should expect many such delights. This Saturday we worked on inner legs support, extremely painful. Often when something won't release Dan will have me stretch and then let my eyes roll side to side to help dig in (less painfully). While I don't understand all of this yet I am aware of the depth of inter-connectivity and astounded. Here is a related post on Mary Bond's blog. I realize how protected the area we worked on is for me. I am still aware of some tightening in my right hip. Dan mentioned that what happens in the shoulders happens in the hips to this may be residue from the broken collar bone that will begin to right itself through the unwinding. Insightful session through the conversation on Zen and the Art of Archery, taking fabulous body practices to people in their language to meet their needs.

Slaying relationship demons. Evidence is a relief, yet I knew the truth and waited. Is my knowing any less true than evidence? As I look at my part - lack of communication. Steps are being considered that should have been taken a year ago. How would this be different if I pushed these steps a year ago? What is the trade-off? If trust is eroded in one area can it exist in another? A dear friend believes so, he loves me and would never let anything bad happen to me. We need the deepest layers of trust - rock climbing and AcroYoga - an unprotected fall without a good belay could mean life or death.

Grateful for a nice Sunday teaching Yoga (would have enjoyed more than 3 hours sleep - neighbor's party even after moved indoors at my request was loud until 2am and I had to be up at 5am), snowboarding in some more cool new spots, nice dinner at home and an early bedtime.

The Blissful Body Weekend

Thursday, Day 9 - Our Diamond Approach inquiry was the contours of the body. My sensation internally alone, visually in a mirror and internally in groups found a broad and barely related spectrum - I disappear in groups, no wonder I don't like them!

Friday, Day 10 - Felt the right side of my body compressed. Looking forward to Saturday's Structural Integration session to work some of that out. Found that I was able to enjoy a going away gathering for my boss (who will be greatly missed) - in a group setting I was able to stay present, yay inquiry!

Saturday, Day 11 - Structural Integration session 3. Elongating the side bodies, breath, openness especially around the collar bone on the right side. My homework includes walking with a pillow on my head, finding that plumb line, then turning and moving with the pillow, keeping the plumb line in motion. As I was practicing my boyfriend walked into the room and shook his head (he has come to expect such things from me). My response, "yes, I recognize I have a pillow on my head." The other section of homework is to interlace my fingers with hands facing the earth and rotate the hands forward and back and loosely as possible to let both collar bones work together. In the evening enjoyed a deep practice, found the relaxation I was seeking and noticed a reddish/maroon color I often see to the left outside my head in front of my body is becoming a deep purple with a white light breaking through the center. Reminds me of the Leonard Cohen lyric, "there's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." I refer to this often to flow with challenges.

I must be allergic to organic celery root. As I climbed into bed my hands and feet itched. At first it felt like the uncomfortable tingling sensation when a limb that is asleep starts to wake up. I was excited, hoping that Dan released some held fascia that would let my circulation in the extremities flow more freely and my fingers and toes would finally be warm. No such luck (though I'm still not ruling it out). The itching was so strong I had to get out of bed and lotion/oil/dance to relieve it. Soon my hands were red and I noticed it had spread to my face, neck and legs. For dinner I had prepared organic celery root (from our CSA, an adventure in food I would not otherwise know) for the first time with tomatoes and sage. After a few hours I was finally able to rest. In the morning my skin was back to normal color - whew.

Sunday, Day 12 - Snowboarding at Snowbird. Explored some fun new terrain with my boyfriend. Enjoyed garlic burgers and attended a going away party for one of my favorite yoga teachers with talk about intentional living communities (introduced to Findhorn where I would love to take a sabbatical), solar/human powered bikes and retreat. Ending the day with a gentle Dancemeditation practice with thoughts of bringing together my more mystically minded friends for Mystical Dance in the park with some AcroYoga.

Aaah, the Blissful Body how I love thee.

Moving Through

Saturday, Day 4 was my second in the Structural Integration series - foundation, feet, legs, hips. My hips naturally curved back which we corrected. I feel the right side returning to some of the holding pattern (something deeper hidden there) and some static in my neck. Will be curious to watch how it unfolds.

Sunday, Day 5 - early morning class at Snowbird after hearing the neighbors chat until the wee hours. Difficult to teach sleep deprived though it changes the dynamic to be slower and possibly deeper. Yay afternoon naps. Sleep is my friend and companion in health - physical and emotional. Lack of sleep ads difficult challenges to my practice. Sunday evening brought to light a particularly painful awareness in my relationship, one I've known for a long time, just without evidence. Communication channels open - choices for growth. How do I balance compassion with him and his struggle with attention to my needs and compassion for my journey. After cultivating so much body awareness I wanted it all to stop so I could function without feeling as I did for so many years. Instead I feel because it is all I can do, and learn to transmute and explore.

Monday, Day 6 - prompted by a dinner discussion with friends Saturday experimented with Binaural Beats. From the descriptions I was curious with how they relate to Sufi states. My experience is that they are quite similar, a deep meditation, a quick way in. Resting on the floor I was aware of my skeleton. I sensed cords unwrapping from my right side through the rib cage and around the shoulder, moving into the hips. Most of the cords melted out, some still weigh in the right hip. I sense tension in the quad to stabilize. Often in deep meditative states the meat of my body melts away and a fluid internal world opens. This may be one of the first times the skeleton has been in such sharp awareness. Because of my explorations with anatomy? Because of the healing needed?

Tuesday, Day 7 - Dance! Remedy Wave with Shannon Simonelli - a much needed opportunity to move, explore and tear. My familiar movement is spiraling - hips start and arms flow outward following. Interwoven was my take-away word, sensing my spiral of development opening and embracing. Feeling the growth from years of work to face issues with fresh perspective and strength.

Wednesday, Day 8 - the day started by meeting with an inspiring group of visionary entrepreneurs and a renewed commitment to my personal practice.

As goes the foundation, so goes the building

An engineering maxim from Mary Bond's book - leading to exploration of the feet, my interface with the earth. Through the first exploration I learn that I carry more weight on my right side (not a surprise). My heels carry more than the balls of my feet. On the left side I feel more supported and balanced. The arch feels solid and effortless with more of the weight on the outside of the foot. My right foot rolls slightly inward with more weight to the inside of the foot. This of course has reverberations up through the leg, into the hip and probably compounds the tension in my shoulders.

Does the compression come from a collapsing of the foot or is it in response to something funky going on in the hip, a kick-boxing injury perhaps, which has included the support all the way down to the foot in the re-adjustment?

In motion the left heel connects with the ground centered, the right connects on the outside and rolls inward with each step. I am aware of the potential for the observer (myself) to influence the movement. As I walk with awareness how much shifts from my normal walk? Aware of the arches of both feet as I walk, the right feels more collapsed and more weight rests on the inside of the ball of the right foot. My toes are rarely actively engaged in pushing off, though I feel a lot more power when I use them. Though not part of Mary's exploration to satisfy my curiosity I tried walking in shoes to notice the toe engagement. Certainly a more difficult sensation to find. I see the wisdom in the Vibram Five Fingers footwear.

Day 2

Craving some inward time, maybe decades of it. Feel tightness through the neck and shoulders, today through the front of the shoulders which is unusual. Carpal tunnel and tendinitis screaming at me - hopefully it's last long cry into the air before it dies out forever. Kate's Aaah... Oil calls to me. Thankful for friends and community.

Feel the resistance to stretching my wings... and then the buoyant support encouraging the growth. Patience grasshopper, trust.

I enjoy the quality of my in breath more when I let it flow - exhale fully and decidedly and relax to let the inhale happen. Probably my lesson today to translate to life.

When Life Interupts the Breath

While teaching I remind my students to bring their awareness back to the breath. It is a great reminder for myself, bring it back. My 40 days of Anatomical Explorations were derailed by life (the Outdoor Retailer show, a house full of very fun guests and a snow night spent on the yoga room floor at Snowbird) so I'm bringing it back. I've decided to start the 40 days over since I am enjoying the exploration so much. My sense is that a lifetime of this exploration is possible. As I have embarked on this physical/mystical journey I guess that's what I have signed up for.

Tonight, Day 1 - breath. Inhale pattern and exhale pattern yoga poses with very gifted and developed yoga teacher Scott Moore. On the inhale our bodies expand and open, on the exhale they contract and create stabilization. Backbends are inhale pattern poses and Forwardbends are exhale pattern poses. I also want to apply this to climbing, inhaling reaching, exhaling pulling. Looking forward to exploring the extension of the legs in this breath cycle in coordination with the other movement. With the idea of Yin/Yang in mind in each extension back there is a slight tucking of the tailbone so within the heart of the openness is support. This reminds my of my physical therapists suggestion that for more flexibility I must have the strength and stability to hold the stretch.

When Scott lead us through camel pose the front of my neck felt tight. He recommended tucking my chin to the chest which made my head feel very light without the neck tension. My low back hurts occasionally in backbends and my quads hold tightness. As I create a slight contraction bringing the top of the pubic bone to the ribs this helps the low back. I am sure the quad tightness is somehow related though I haven't unlocked that key yet. Another mantra I am going to adopt for my neck/shoulders is to roll the shoulders up back and down while sitting at a desk.

Enjoying the Gifts

Yesterday and today brought snow and sunshine to the Salt Lake City/Park City area. We have had what seems like forever a dark icky inversion which makes my eyes twitch. I always find it easier to love life when the sun is shining. The air is clear, the inversion moved out and we have fresh powder in the mountains and sunshine in the valleys. My breath is open and free, a lot of the creaks I typically have along my back have dispersed and the odd remnants of an old collar bone break are negligible. I am amazed out how much good breath opens up my interior space and allows freedom - freedom of movement, expression and heartfelt smiles. As the days are getting longer I feel myself emerge from hibernation, checking out this curious world to see how I'll engage her. I feel stronger in the sunshine. I want to do pull-ups again and plan climbing trips.

From my Structural Integration work this weekend I am amazed as things open a little more each day. Today was the first day I notice the collar bone feeling normal again for the first time in many years. My right shoulder blade still feels like the bottom edge is slightly lifted away from the body and all the nerves wrapping through the shoulder feel that they can move more freely. Ah, Beauty.

Days 9-14 The Spine and Breath

One of my simple pleasures at the end of the day is to bend my knees as if I were sitting on a chair and fold forward from the hips, letting my head pull toward the earth on one end with my tailbone on the other. My spine releases like a string of pearls, I feel the lengthening happening through the thoracic spine primarily and then my head becomes heavy and all my overworked neck muscles breathe a huge sigh of grateful relief. By the direction of the release through the thoracic spine I suspect it is the erector spinae relaxing though there's a lot going on back there so I'm not sure.

I started my Structural Integration series this weekend with a practitioner Dan Schmidt who in addition to Structural Integration also does Feldenkrais, Cranial and Somatic work - yummy embodied stuff. We started by finding ways for me to breathe better, yay! My homework included four practices that are also part of my Dancemeditation work so some deeper explorations will come into play. These are all practices that allow my legs to help my breathing (a foreign concept from the outside - how do legs help breathing? see the ankle bone's connected to the knee bone - it all works together). With each of these practices the more 'lazily' they are done the better as this lets the outer layer of muscles release and engage the deeper layer of muscles for support. 1) on stomach with knees bent so feet reach toward the ceiling letting my legs fall side to side; 2 & 3) on each side with legs at 90 degrees gently rock the legs on top of one another, 4) on back with knees bent feet on the floor rock the knees side to side. I have also added a piece of the Dancemeditation rocking series, on my back pressing the feet into the floor and rocking, releases all the way up into the skull.

When I did my first pass with Mary Bond's book I had some difficulty feeling the breath in my back, now I feel the gentle opening all the way around. I notice there is still a heavy weight on my heart that the breath must circle as it enters. Possibly there is still too much pain protected in the area to allow the soothing breath in yet. An ongoing process.

I sense some deep fundamental shifts happening - it is exciting and frightening. Each opening takes some time to adjust. Over the last week I felt elated, sad, like I was losing my mind, grounded, disoriented... sometimes all within the same day. I keep coming back to breath, practice and inquiry - my trifecta of awareness.

Days 5-8 Weight Shifting

The last few days have been practices in weight shifting. I find that the easiest weight shift is from sitting to standing, moving weight over my feet and using the strength of my legs to push off from that point rather that my usual of somehow hurling my body forward usually thrusting with my aching neck. Resting to sitting is more difficult to remember. My physical therapist taught me to pull up one leg and then let the whole body rock forward. I have tried to get out of a bath, a bean bag and really bad slouching posture on the sofa this way. My neck thanks us for the effort. Over a few days of practice my neck pain has reduced significantly.

I also learned some warming, waking pranayama (inhaling through the right nostril only). Now I need to learn some warming relaxing pranayama which I can use for bedtime. Other areas in the body that request my focus, mid back and right elbow (a little in the right wrist). My friend, co-worker and climbing partner Cecilia mentioned that if the push/pull balance is off it will be felt in the elbow, time to switch up the push-ups and balance them with pull-ups, arg (my physical therapist also prescribed bicep curls).

Day 3 - The ankle bone's connected to the knee bone

When I was in elementary school we sang the song "The ankle bone's connected to the knee bone". Today I experienced the heel bone connected to the head bone. In the last post I mentioned the pain I experience along my right side. Another sources of tension is my neck, also primarily from spending long hours at the computer. After reading a Yoga Journal article on proper posture in a squatting position (Malasana or Garland Pose) to allow each part of the body to express itself equally, I tried pressing my heels into the floor while sitting at my desk. I discovered that with my body weight properly positioned and my heels pressed into the floor my entire body felt more supported, releasing some of the habitual tension I hold in my neck. Who would have thought?

Day 2 - Breath

I realize a big part of holding my breath is cold, I have been chilled since October... every bit of me shivers. Today I wore a beanie, snow boots and a scarf and was still cold all day. Muscles especially along my back tense in response to the cold. I wonder how my breathing will release in the Spring. Summer and Fall are better seasons for me. I should move south or maybe into an oven or fireplace as The Cremation of Sam McGee. Integrating warming pranayama would be a good winter practice!

Off Topic - Day 1 Anatomy Structure and Movement

I don't know yet how this relates to the business of this blog, to be discovered. My focus for the next 40 days is Anatomy Structure and Movement supporting my Dancemeditation study and I will share some of the explorations here. My primary reference sources are Mary Bond's book The New Rules of Posture and Anatomy and Asana by Susi Hately Aldous.

Day 1 (yesterday) - large joints. Our largest joints are the shoulders and hips, they are designed to do most of the work while the smaller joints (knees, ankles, wrists, elbows...) are designed for smaller tasks. The right side of my body is often unhappy that I sit at a desk working on a computer most of the day. Carpal tunnel and tendinitis in my right wrist and elbow remind me to take breaks, adjust my workspace and learn about body mechanics. Workspace adjustments seem to perpetually evolve, balancing comfort with getting the job done. When I misuse the smaller joints (repetitive movement with the wrist and elbow out of alignment) instead of letting the larger joints work properly I am reminded to notice my posture, breathe and readjust. Physical therapy has released tension in the forearm, however the tightness originates from a tight neck and right shoulder still settling from a broken collar bone years ago. My massage therapist has been helpful in getting things flowing from the origin so the other work will be effective. In the kitchen last night I noticed myself again using the right wrist and elbow to stir and with pain switched hands and also tried to use the shoulder more. A subtle adjustment, the awareness seemed to help though I'm still not sure I've found it. I rolled around on my foam roller for a while later in the evening, releasing along the thoracic spine and into the neck while enjoying the fiery beauty of my sunflower calendar. I wonder how the sunflower's "neck" keeps from tiring while holding the heavy flower tilted forward? In the hips, when I walk pressing out from my toes I notice that my hips swivel and move more freely letting the rest of the body flow in the movement. How can I find this in the shoulders and neck?

Since my last training intensive in November I have been more aware of my breath. Various insights have come from this practice, the primary one is my habitual pattern of bracing. When I watch my breath it usually flows gently massaging and opening me to space and opportunities in each moment. In standard operating mode my jaw is held and the area in front of my heart is static, the muscles in my legs and along my back are tight and guarded. The entire system is ready for the next bad thing, hyper vigilant of the environment in anticipation. In my past this was probably an appropriate response, today it just unproductive chronic tension. When my jaw is tight I tend to hold the hips tight as well which means the legs have little opportunity for movement, the spine is restricted and my shoulders tense. You can imagine how it affects the rest of the joints. Breathe... it's good all around.