Photolog - Highlights

Wow, home already? I have spent a week re-integrating with society - rough. So far fuel and groceries felt disorienting, dizzy and I had to split ASAP. I've been hiding out at home with the cats putzing around. Getting out for some climbing and mountain biking to ease the transition. The Wasatch Mountains I call home aren't the Swell though they are another of nature's marvelous beauty and a 'helluva' lot better than fluorescent lights.

Notes on this photolog:

1) Starts with the preparation (aprox. 72 days) and the blue hair highlights and continues through the two weeks in the Swell (San Rafael Swell, southern Utah). There will most likely be some post-trip pictures included in the future. Since I did some drastic things with my hair thought it would be nice to show the transformation. Also interesting to note is how bright blue my eyes become through long periods in meditation. I included some photos of my time at retreat "setting the stage" where Nisaa buzzed my hair, traveling from New York and events of the few days at home between trips including a friend's wedding at Snowbird (where there was still snow on the ground in spots - trippy before heading out into 100+ degrees a few hours away).

2) I took most of the pictures. Exceptions: "no services for 100 miles" (challenging to make out what it says at that size) came from americansouthwest.net to show the remoteness of the area (didn't want to stop for the picture when I drove in); July 4th weekend Bob came down with water, veggies and to check on me. The final days he brought our buddy Jaime with his beautiful dog Lily to help him build a route, some pictures during these times are Bob's.

3) The first few days were brutal as you can see in the pictures, beastly hot with bugs worse than the heat (you'll see some pictures showing my grumpiness at their presence). Even Kate's fabulous Protection Spray couldn't keep the particularly fierce gnats and biting flies away. Bob tried three different bug sprays while he was there and still got eaten alive. The white/pink on my lips in some pictures is the only lip sunscreen I've ever found to work like a charm: Burt's Bees Sun & Snow (worth the funky look).

4) There are a few scenery pictures showing blessed storms brewing, dropping the temperature anywhere from 10-15 degrees (often it was 95 degrees in the shade and I spent a lot of time just waiting for the sun to set). The temperature range I recorded was from 115 degrees to 50 degrees. I saw two readings of 124 degrees and 144 degrees respectively though I don't trust those as my altimeter watch/thermometer was in the direct sun on a reflective surface (although 124 is not out of the realm of possibility). I am pretty sure it was colder than 50 degrees some nights, though I just curled deeper into my down sleeping bag instead of checking. There was a lot of variation in the nighttime temperature. Some nights I slept nearly naked, others even bundled up I was freezing. One night my toes were so cold I had to get in the car to warm up.

The next full photolog will be a more complete story showing some of my desert friends on the journey and the requisite Swell experience of fine to fucked in a matter of seconds. Stay tuned!

Water Blessings

Our prayers for water were answered! There were a couple of great storms. Even with more thundering and rumbling than rain, the dense cloud cover brought the temperatures down to a manageable range.

Thank you everyone for the cool watery thoughts, prayers, blessings and support!

the journey so far

Offering Acceptance to the Elements

In "The Rock Warrior's Way" by Arno Ilgner, who teaches rock climbers to manage fear, he suggests accepting consequences as a crucial part of the process. His practical advice is to observe the climb, climber and consequence of a fall before moving. If you don't accept the consequence, don't climb; if you do accept the consequence climb fearlessly. By accepting consequence there is no need for fear. In the spirit of a rock warrior it felt important to accept what I may face in the desert. Early in my approximately 72 days of preparation I accepted the possibility of death. I imagine death as the ultimate peace, the best sleep ever - forever, the deep Sufi state of Fanā - annihilation or complete passage into the cool dark silence of Truth. That one is easy, my deepest longing. To remind me to come home alive (part of the desert survival toolkit is the will to live) my dear Sufi sister Gayla got me a pin to take into the desert on my sun hat "to remember I am loved." At the Summer Movement Monastery over the space of two days I reviewed other things I may face and offered my acceptance of them to the elements. During the first week we had a session to paint veils and work at our own pace. I wrote the reasons for my quest; my prayer for guidance, protection, space and truth; and my acceptance. As I wrote each item ranging from discomfort to tests of my commitment to personal growth, I sat with them until I accepted their possibly in body and heart. Injury was by far the hardest one. In May 2003 Aron Ralston had to amputate his arm to survive a boulder which fell on him while canyoneering in Southern Utah. Having to face a similar decision or life with a permanent handicap is infinitely more terrifying than death. To accept injury it finally came to, "I accept what I have to work with, even if that is how to I find freedom while feeling trapped." Early in the retreat several of us visited the waterfall near the old Mansion we called home for two weeks. Beautiful prayers were offered by Anastasia for clean water to accompany my journey and for the water going to the oil spill in the Gulf. Later in the retreat during break time I returned to the stream farther down from the waterfall to offer my acceptance to the elements and invite them on my journey. My tender feet negotiated the sharp, slippery rocks. Even with gingerly steps I sometimes stumbled, catching myself before landing in a splash. I made my way upstream to stand in the center of the cool water which wrapped around my calves. I spoke to each of the elements as friends and knowing there will be an abundance of earth, sun and wind I re-iterated a special invitation to water. I read my desires and acceptance out loud, offering them from my soul. As I finished we heard fireworks in the distance and I laughed, "let the games begin."

A Seed is Planted, a Dream Unfolds

A warm breath of tea floats through our conversations. A dozen or more dancers are gathered on the Persian rugs in Dunya's apartment for evening dinner during our intensive training. Warming soup and loving talk thaw New York City's chilled November air. I overhear Dunya's voice articulate a tradition. The Teacher invites a student to take apples, dates and walnuts for forty days into an apartment in the city for practice and study in seclusion. During this time there is no contact with the outside world, though watchers will stop by to leave a warm bowl of soup at the door or check that the student hasn't lost it. This special retreat is a time of deep learning and personal growth.

As an off-the-charts introvert living in a world crowded by extroverts, the idea instantly appeals to me. The gears in my head start turning, planning my own version. I consider retreating to my yoga room, sneaking out to the nearby bathroom only when other house inhabitants are gone or sleeping. I wonder about structure, respect of space and quiet. I know there will be unwanted noise and interruptions at home. The gears keep turning, the months roll by.

Can I take that much time off work? It would take about nine weeks. A nugget of Dunya's wisdom is the reintroduction of the object of fasting, taking half of the fasting time to re-enter a normal pace. Breaking a long food fast with a huge steak dinner, rich sauces and vats of wine 'might' be jarring to the system. A technology fast from silence to the speed of eCommerce could be dizzying. Returning from a fast is a practice in itself of conscious awareness, respect for the journey and practitioner. Forty days of silence and solitude, twenty days of inviting limited interactions to grow to a normal pace, sixty days - at least.

As I ponder, I hear the desert call to me, inviting me home. Extreme boredom and discontent become the standard at work. As added fuel, Kate's Moonday experiment transforms the drudgery of Monday and gives voice to my creative fire. I love the community of friends I have at work and feel at home. I love spending my days with down-to-earth, smart and active people. I have found priceless allies in life's journey. I know how precious and rare it is to find this combination en masse. On the other hand, few of my actual skills and talents are used. I am bored and no longer challenged. I could train my cat to do my job and project an avatar of me above his head. No one would know. I am not living my potential. I have a comfortable life that requires very little effort on my part. I have become complacent. Do I stay or do I go? My heart's stirring can't be ignored. I must go.

During an especially frustrating weekly meeting I decide to quit my job before my birthday and work at a floral shop surrounded by beauty, using my hands to contribute to beauty in this world. I find a florist who caters to corporate clients so I can make connections to bridge the worlds of Dancemeditation and commerce. I imagine great womanly chats of business strategy, life and men while clipping stems and arranging flowers, soft music in the background embracing us as we work. I am very excited but my time at Backcountry isn't over yet. I feel it in my flesh. I know there is still more for me on my journey here so I opt for an Unpaid Adventure Leave of Absence which is even more fun because my Backcountry friends get to be a part of the adventure as well. As I share my plans with people I am honored they understand the spiritual quest as much as the adventure. I am rich with insights, advice and support.

In site selection Kate suggests a dream pillow with our friend Artemisia and Lavender. Through a beautiful and clear message she guides me to the San Rafael Swell, a beautiful and magical desert in Utah that will be my home for a brief though essential moment in time. It is a few hour's drive from where I live in Salt Lake City; close enough for my boyfriend to stop in over the weekend to make sure I haven't died or lost my mind; far enough out of traveler's way I can find the solitude I seek.

Alone in the harsh desert for forty days/six weeks is an ambitious goal so I start with a test run of two weeks for a total adventure of five and a half weeks. I will set the stage at the Summer Movement Monastery for two weeks, followed by two weeks of soul-searching on sun baked earth and a week of re-integration.

I am deeply in the purification stage, a snake shedding her skin. Old photos, old letters, old music to the trash. New space in my life. Old beliefs, old limitations burned in the fire of transformation to stand with me in the Here/Now honoring my path.

I take two questions to the desert: 1) what is my place in this world? 2) how do I stay true to myself? As they percolate my experience I know that valuing myself must come before being true to myself, which is a precursor to taking my place in this world. Self-rejection comes up strong, a flavor of self-hatred only slipperier. In my child mind this seems the only way to survive. Here/Now it keeps me alive yet trapped in a world of my own making with which I'm not entirely thrilled. A ferocious transformational Goddess roars within me, the rebel breaking bonds, the Seeker searching for Truth and Pleasure in my Soul. Bring it!

Answering the Desert's Call

The desert calls to me. She invites me into the wild womb of nature to Know myself, this world and my place in it. She asks me to come to my edge. In her harsh extremes she encourages me to explore mine. With her subtle beauty she implores me to nourish mine. I answer her call seeking solitude, insight and Truth. My heart opens to her warmth. It pleads for the sun's rays to permeate me, to burn away the veils, to open the door. My body yearns for the comforting embrace of the desert floor, to be held in the warmth of the earth mother, to know her love and to share mine.

I know that the work of retreat begins with the commitment to attend. In this retreat I feel particularly supported by both my Backcountry family and Sufi sisters. So far my primary allies include Van with his blessing and guidance on both physical and spiritual levels, Ceci with her resources for wilderness survival skills and insights, Bob with location scouting and gear selection, Kate with her herbal support for nourishment and guidance, the dogfunk van for their shared excitement and Ken's loan of "The Secret Knowledge of Water" to learn more about the essential resource in the desert, Brian with his help in clarifying goals and willingness to chop my locks for donation, my planning and buying teams for their enthusiasm and covering my duties while I am away. Another Sufi sister, Ann, will be at retreat in concert with me whirling with the Dervishes in Turkey. I am lucky to be so held in this process and pray this journey will be an inspiration to others who feel drawn in their own way.

The Art of Clarity in Leadership

Work in progress - the stages of developing clarity:

Awareness
Inquiry
Acceptance
Purification
Stillness
Receptivity
Connection