This is Where I Stand

Sometime around Spring 2007 I began the notoriously painful process of removing my name from the records of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. How it ended up there is as much accident as my birth into a devout practicing family in northern Mexico. This was pre-internet time (yes, there was such a thing) and we were isolated from information that wasn’t filtered through proper channels (presiding patriarchy of the church founded by Joseph Smith, a lecherous gold-digger, in the 1800s). At the age of 20 (nearly an old-maid by community’s standards) I married in the temple not entirely of my free will. It wasn’t forced, it wasn’t my heart’s choice and I couldn’t express my desire.

In the poetic beauty of the Yin-Yang of life, within this cage were the stirrings that set me free. My late ex-mother-in-law exposed me to Yoga philosophy, unintendinly teaching me there is more in this wide expansive world than the narrow lense I had been given. I began questioning “Truth” and there were no satisfactory answers in the church system. After 5 ½ torturously long years I filed for divorce. In the process I learned for the first time, at 25, that physical violence was not an appropriate form of affection. It was a fortunate accident to learn. I told a friend about being dragged across my living room by my neck and she shook her head saying, “That isn’t right”. Hmm, I never knew. Nothing in 25 years of wandering this planet suggested anything other than I deserved it. I never thought to question until this blessed shattering of light cracked through. Just as I began to establish my footing, speak my truth, recognize and express my desires the rug of any semblance of stability was cruelly yanked. When I committed the double whammy of evil, divorce and seeking my own truth, I was utterly discarded as a human being. Painfully rejected, judged and shunned.

To say the free fall of the next few years were rough would be an obscene understatement. Disgrace by a small fragment of the world’s population would have been more manageable had I had other connections in the world instead of the deep cultural isolation that had been pressed into me. I ran hard and fast from, with only a vague and foggy idea of to. Drugs and sex as much experimental curiosity as self-medication. No community for solace. No mirror to validate intrinsic worth. Only deep and lonely darkness.

Fortunately a few people held my unraveling threads together. Very, very few but it was enough for survival. Grace. My first sense of being held by a loving Universe was chemically induced. It planted a seed of hope until I could find it again later through the Diamond Approach. After several years of hard work engaging anger, fear and hatred; understanding isolation, abandonment and betrayal; I found strength, courage and love within me. I found a community with an accepting embrace. And I wanted to put the past behind. Severing ties with the Mormon Church was an important part of that process for me. In 2007 I contacted the local church leader and asked for my name to be removed from the records. He graciously apologized for the injuries caused by the congregation (entirely different states but the same body of church). He expressed that it would be a great loss to the church to not have me included in the membership because he recognized the power of my light. He also explained that I would lose all of the blessings of the church.

“Yep, that is exactly what I am fucking hoping for! Do it now, please.” My response was more political yet clearly expressed I had no reservations. He said we had to wait 30-days in case I changed my mind because it would be so much more difficult to become a member again if I took this course of action. “I have contemplated this for several years. Be done with it.” After the interview I waited my 30-days, called for confirmation that my request had been processed and didn’t hear back. Recently, years after I considered the matter done, I got a call from church membership looking for Sandra Arters. I explained that had been my married name and I had requested my name be removed. Very nicely the person on the other end of the line explained I would have to talk to the church leader where I lived again. I wrote a letter several months ago and finally got a response dated 12/26/10:

“you need to understand … the consequences of your action … cancels the effects of your baptism and confirmation (have worked hella hard in ceremonies to undo this already, please), and revokes temple blessings which includes your temple marriage (the primary fucking reason I want this done – he has no rights, not even to the thread of my name. I want this cut permanently).”

I have asked nicely, I have waited, I have been patient. I WILL NOT ASK NICELY AGAIN!

While fuming about this insult, a David Whyte poem, Self Portrait, came drifting through my ears to speak powerfully to my wee funk (buy the CD – he has an enchanting voice):

Self Portrait

It doesn't interest me if there is one God
Or many gods.
I want to know if you belong -- or feel abandoned;
If you know despair
Or can see it in others.
I want to know
If you are prepared to live in the world
With its harsh need to change you;
If you can look back with firm eyes
Saying "this is where I stand."
I want to know if you know how to melt
Into that fierce heat of living
Falling toward the center of your longing.
I want to know if you are willing
To live day by day
With the consequence of love
And the bitter unwanted passion
Of your sure defeat.
I have been told
In that fierce embrace
Even the Gods
Speak of God.

This is the year “the bitter unwanted passion of sure defeat” stops.

2010 was the year of Choice. 2011 is the year of Value.

THIS IS WHERE I STAND.

My name is mine. Not yours, not his, not theirs. My name and what I do with it is my choice. I choose value. If you are in my life, value me. If you don’t, get outta way to make room for those who do.

I may be different and weird, you may not understand me – now or ever, you may not even like me – that’s okay.

I am more powerful than incomplete perception.

You may not get why I choose to live an unconventional life. I don’t care. I make hard choices and not only take the path less travelled, I create it.

I live my life on my terms. I have sacrificed nearly everything for this privilege and will continue to enjoy it. I stand for deep, true honoring of experience.

I know on this wide, complex, evolving planet the world, the part of it that matters, is eager for what I offer – guidance with wisdom, freedom, Truth and sensuality. I walk the fire of transformation and bring light home. If you want this, come with me. It won’t be an easy journey… because it is worth it.

I stand for growth. I stand for evolution. I stand for compassion, connectedness and Truth. I stand for you, and more than that I stand for Me.

This is Where I Stand.

Sandi Longhurst – 1/3/2011, Salt Lake City, UT