Offering Acceptance to the Elements

In "The Rock Warrior's Way" by Arno Ilgner, who teaches rock climbers to manage fear, he suggests accepting consequences as a crucial part of the process. His practical advice is to observe the climb, climber and consequence of a fall before moving. If you don't accept the consequence, don't climb; if you do accept the consequence climb fearlessly. By accepting consequence there is no need for fear. In the spirit of a rock warrior it felt important to accept what I may face in the desert. Early in my approximately 72 days of preparation I accepted the possibility of death. I imagine death as the ultimate peace, the best sleep ever - forever, the deep Sufi state of Fanā - annihilation or complete passage into the cool dark silence of Truth. That one is easy, my deepest longing. To remind me to come home alive (part of the desert survival toolkit is the will to live) my dear Sufi sister Gayla got me a pin to take into the desert on my sun hat "to remember I am loved." At the Summer Movement Monastery over the space of two days I reviewed other things I may face and offered my acceptance of them to the elements. During the first week we had a session to paint veils and work at our own pace. I wrote the reasons for my quest; my prayer for guidance, protection, space and truth; and my acceptance. As I wrote each item ranging from discomfort to tests of my commitment to personal growth, I sat with them until I accepted their possibly in body and heart. Injury was by far the hardest one. In May 2003 Aron Ralston had to amputate his arm to survive a boulder which fell on him while canyoneering in Southern Utah. Having to face a similar decision or life with a permanent handicap is infinitely more terrifying than death. To accept injury it finally came to, "I accept what I have to work with, even if that is how to I find freedom while feeling trapped." Early in the retreat several of us visited the waterfall near the old Mansion we called home for two weeks. Beautiful prayers were offered by Anastasia for clean water to accompany my journey and for the water going to the oil spill in the Gulf. Later in the retreat during break time I returned to the stream farther down from the waterfall to offer my acceptance to the elements and invite them on my journey. My tender feet negotiated the sharp, slippery rocks. Even with gingerly steps I sometimes stumbled, catching myself before landing in a splash. I made my way upstream to stand in the center of the cool water which wrapped around my calves. I spoke to each of the elements as friends and knowing there will be an abundance of earth, sun and wind I re-iterated a special invitation to water. I read my desires and acceptance out loud, offering them from my soul. As I finished we heard fireworks in the distance and I laughed, "let the games begin."

A Seed is Planted, a Dream Unfolds

A warm breath of tea floats through our conversations. A dozen or more dancers are gathered on the Persian rugs in Dunya's apartment for evening dinner during our intensive training. Warming soup and loving talk thaw New York City's chilled November air. I overhear Dunya's voice articulate a tradition. The Teacher invites a student to take apples, dates and walnuts for forty days into an apartment in the city for practice and study in seclusion. During this time there is no contact with the outside world, though watchers will stop by to leave a warm bowl of soup at the door or check that the student hasn't lost it. This special retreat is a time of deep learning and personal growth.

As an off-the-charts introvert living in a world crowded by extroverts, the idea instantly appeals to me. The gears in my head start turning, planning my own version. I consider retreating to my yoga room, sneaking out to the nearby bathroom only when other house inhabitants are gone or sleeping. I wonder about structure, respect of space and quiet. I know there will be unwanted noise and interruptions at home. The gears keep turning, the months roll by.

Can I take that much time off work? It would take about nine weeks. A nugget of Dunya's wisdom is the reintroduction of the object of fasting, taking half of the fasting time to re-enter a normal pace. Breaking a long food fast with a huge steak dinner, rich sauces and vats of wine 'might' be jarring to the system. A technology fast from silence to the speed of eCommerce could be dizzying. Returning from a fast is a practice in itself of conscious awareness, respect for the journey and practitioner. Forty days of silence and solitude, twenty days of inviting limited interactions to grow to a normal pace, sixty days - at least.

As I ponder, I hear the desert call to me, inviting me home. Extreme boredom and discontent become the standard at work. As added fuel, Kate's Moonday experiment transforms the drudgery of Monday and gives voice to my creative fire. I love the community of friends I have at work and feel at home. I love spending my days with down-to-earth, smart and active people. I have found priceless allies in life's journey. I know how precious and rare it is to find this combination en masse. On the other hand, few of my actual skills and talents are used. I am bored and no longer challenged. I could train my cat to do my job and project an avatar of me above his head. No one would know. I am not living my potential. I have a comfortable life that requires very little effort on my part. I have become complacent. Do I stay or do I go? My heart's stirring can't be ignored. I must go.

During an especially frustrating weekly meeting I decide to quit my job before my birthday and work at a floral shop surrounded by beauty, using my hands to contribute to beauty in this world. I find a florist who caters to corporate clients so I can make connections to bridge the worlds of Dancemeditation and commerce. I imagine great womanly chats of business strategy, life and men while clipping stems and arranging flowers, soft music in the background embracing us as we work. I am very excited but my time at Backcountry isn't over yet. I feel it in my flesh. I know there is still more for me on my journey here so I opt for an Unpaid Adventure Leave of Absence which is even more fun because my Backcountry friends get to be a part of the adventure as well. As I share my plans with people I am honored they understand the spiritual quest as much as the adventure. I am rich with insights, advice and support.

In site selection Kate suggests a dream pillow with our friend Artemisia and Lavender. Through a beautiful and clear message she guides me to the San Rafael Swell, a beautiful and magical desert in Utah that will be my home for a brief though essential moment in time. It is a few hour's drive from where I live in Salt Lake City; close enough for my boyfriend to stop in over the weekend to make sure I haven't died or lost my mind; far enough out of traveler's way I can find the solitude I seek.

Alone in the harsh desert for forty days/six weeks is an ambitious goal so I start with a test run of two weeks for a total adventure of five and a half weeks. I will set the stage at the Summer Movement Monastery for two weeks, followed by two weeks of soul-searching on sun baked earth and a week of re-integration.

I am deeply in the purification stage, a snake shedding her skin. Old photos, old letters, old music to the trash. New space in my life. Old beliefs, old limitations burned in the fire of transformation to stand with me in the Here/Now honoring my path.

I take two questions to the desert: 1) what is my place in this world? 2) how do I stay true to myself? As they percolate my experience I know that valuing myself must come before being true to myself, which is a precursor to taking my place in this world. Self-rejection comes up strong, a flavor of self-hatred only slipperier. In my child mind this seems the only way to survive. Here/Now it keeps me alive yet trapped in a world of my own making with which I'm not entirely thrilled. A ferocious transformational Goddess roars within me, the rebel breaking bonds, the Seeker searching for Truth and Pleasure in my Soul. Bring it!

Answering the Desert's Call

The desert calls to me. She invites me into the wild womb of nature to Know myself, this world and my place in it. She asks me to come to my edge. In her harsh extremes she encourages me to explore mine. With her subtle beauty she implores me to nourish mine. I answer her call seeking solitude, insight and Truth. My heart opens to her warmth. It pleads for the sun's rays to permeate me, to burn away the veils, to open the door. My body yearns for the comforting embrace of the desert floor, to be held in the warmth of the earth mother, to know her love and to share mine.

I know that the work of retreat begins with the commitment to attend. In this retreat I feel particularly supported by both my Backcountry family and Sufi sisters. So far my primary allies include Van with his blessing and guidance on both physical and spiritual levels, Ceci with her resources for wilderness survival skills and insights, Bob with location scouting and gear selection, Kate with her herbal support for nourishment and guidance, the dogfunk van for their shared excitement and Ken's loan of "The Secret Knowledge of Water" to learn more about the essential resource in the desert, Brian with his help in clarifying goals and willingness to chop my locks for donation, my planning and buying teams for their enthusiasm and covering my duties while I am away. Another Sufi sister, Ann, will be at retreat in concert with me whirling with the Dervishes in Turkey. I am lucky to be so held in this process and pray this journey will be an inspiration to others who feel drawn in their own way.

The Art of Clarity in Leadership

Work in progress - the stages of developing clarity:

Awareness
Inquiry
Acceptance
Purification
Stillness
Receptivity
Connection

Wrapping up 40 days

The take-away: A lot more body awareness, connecting with my strength and feeling more comfortable in my skin. Learning to move my body in a new way, more subtle awareness of mechanics and motion and how to support the natural beauty in my body's design. Making connections both within myself and referring potential clients to people who have been influential in my process, most notably Dan Schmidt and Kate Temple-West. It can be scary to refer people, what if they don't like the referral? What if they have a bad experience and blame you? What if they think you are weird or something? On the other hand it can be very gratifying to share something with others, watch a change in someone's life and even more gratifying when it helps build an important business supporting amazing people doing incredible work. Worked through most of "The New Rules of Posture" practices - will be a lifelong journey of exploration and re-visiting. Time to lend the book to another friend who is interested in exploring fascia.

Intuition = Success

My first executive leadership practice was a great success. I didn't know what would come of the session, I trust my Dancemeditation practice to bring evolution over time. My first introduction to the practice was a 10-day retreat, I have no experience with doing a 90-minute session for starters. Apparently the practice, combined with the space I created for conversation and my encouragement to discuss feelings opened up some great conversations that are already having an impact in the organization. A jubilant, Yes!

The weekend before teaching set the stage with a lot of deep work in the Diamond Approach weekend and a really beautiful deep personal practice Monday evening to set the stage for Tuesday evening's work. Over two years ago I started thinking along these lines and over time the idea has taken shape as I have become more clear - both with myself and my intention. One of the key contributors has been our amazingly in tune HR Director who helped push me out of my nest to invite members of the executive team to join. Again very grateful for their involvement and trust/respect in me as teacher during that time.

Finding Strength - Days 28-34

Working along the back from feet to head I realize how little awareness I have of the dorsal plane, other than a kinked neck. Even imagining breath into my back is a challenge. I notice the tell-tell bruises of my Structural Integration series appear along my legs and back and look for the opening. At one point near the end of Wednesday's session (or was it last week's?) Dan did some work with my neck which was unbelievably comforting, like being held as a baby. Since then I have noticed less tension in the neck. Apparently I use my back as a brake. My homework is to move from sitting to standing and moving by using my arms as levers.

The Diamond Approach weekend was intensely satisfying. I rode my bike on the last day in fabulous weather. As we were exploring pleasure with a tangerine hue I made my Red Velvet cake I've been perfecting over the last few months with some yellow for the Markabah color. Mmmm... When I got to work on Monday I found a beautiful scarf with a tangerine hue on my chair, a great gift. We explored the experience of pleasure and the blocks to experiencing pleasure. A theme that kept coming up for me was connecting to strength, particularly in supporting sensitivity and boundaries. Often my pathway to strength is through truly experiencing anger or shame as they transform. When I began this work six years ago I spent a lot of time working with these distortions and am back in the same throws. I realize the spiraling nature of this work which although it feels like no progress has been made the reality must be exploring a deeper layer of this issue on the spiral. Because I am small I often forget my physical strength, one of the gifts pointed out by our teacher in the process, a lot of physical strength to support the growing experience of internal support and guidance. Another insight was the cold shivering I often feel when upset - allow the body's natural response to shake off fear.

My two practices I am carrying with me from Mary Bond's book are breathing into the back and engaging the TA for core support.