the voice of silence

This is for all women throughout all time whose bodies and hearts have been violated. October is domestic violence awareness month. A big part of violence is silence. This is voice for all the silent hurts and a plea for a new way of being in the world.

You had no right to ask from me what you didn’t have the balls to give in return.
You had no right to take my love to lick the wounds of your insecurities then discard me.
You had no right to sacrifice my beauty at the altar of your perversion.
You had no right to flirt with other women in front of me and make me feel like less of a person because my rack wasn't as big or my curves were as desirable or I wasn't as cheap.
You had no right to want complete devotion from me and ask me to share you.
You had no right to leave me covered in bruises so deep that I couldn’t leave the house for days.
You had no right to rape me.
You had no right to brand me with a Scarlet letter when you didn’t walk in my shoes.
You had no right to create a child with another woman while you had sworn fidelity to me.
You had no right to accuse me of your indiscretions– or blame me for them.
You had no right to nearly kill me … and not come back for three days.
You had no right to take my innocence, destroy my art and chose imaginary women over me.
You had no right to tear my clothes off on the playground so you could be more of a man.
You had no right to try to destroy me because I intimidate you.
You had no right to lie to me or about me.
You had no right to bring your other girlfriend into my home.
You had no right to bring other women into my bed, even in spirit.
You had no right to withhold affection and punish me for your fears.
You had no right to use religion, ambiguity, jealousy, death threats or size disparity to control me.
You had no right...and yet you did. And I am left here with your rage, your violence and your pain trying to make sense of this world. I am left broken open with wounds that ooze every fucking day. I am left with your nightmares and your diseases and your impoverished spirit.

And I want to heal this. For both of us – for all of us – for the whole world ‘cause we don’t have to keep hurting each other like this.

to all the men who have loved me

I am sorry.
I am sorry for the walls, and the holes in them.
I am sorry I am so surgical in cutting you out when you cross the line. I am sorry you will never get back in.
I am sorry that I am confusing. That I am mellow, chill and let everything go until you hit one of the few points that really gets to me and the fire rages beyond control.
I am sorry I used your support to leave you.
I am sorry I don’t want to have a family with you.
I am sorry I hold back.
I am sorry I intimidate you.
I am sorry for all my pain.
I am sorry I played dumb.
I am sorry I let you get away with so much shit.
I am sorry that my path with always come before you.
I am sorry you can never really have me.
I am sorry I need so much sex.
I am sorry I didn’t communicate more.
I am sorry I wasn’t honest with you about what I liked and didn’t.
I am sorry I love the way I do.
I am sorry that I didn’t love myself enough to not marry you and the hurt it caused.
I am sorry that I am both so wild and so innocent and that I need both polarities loved equally.
I am sorry I set you on a path you may not be able to handle.
I am sorry for scare-ing you.
I am sorry for scaring you.
I am sorry for the wreckage.
There was a time in my life when I was absolutely insane. I am sorry if you came into my life during that time.
I am sorry I didn’t appreciate you.
I am sorry I didn’t stay around for the poetry and music I inspired.
I am sorry I let you go.
I am sorry I never asked for what I really wanted.
I am sorry I never asked you to be a better man to be with me.
I am sorry that I gave myself so fully to you and now you can’t have me.
I am sorry.

Moving Right Along...

Over the last the 2 1/2 years I have poured passion into this blog to figure out how I want to influence and transform the way we live on this planet. It started with the invention of the word recipronomics and The First Law of Recipronomics. It unfolded to musings on the environmental and social impact of our lifestyles ranging from the companies that make stuff and the way we structure them to trends, and (r)Evolution. There are thoughts on business and thoughts on the human condition from different perspectives with ideas to improve the situation.

A fun team building activity got a lot of attention. Somehow obscure terms like resonance made their way into the mix with some sad humor and random connections. The power and perils of declarations stood by taking a stand and a plea for respect with a little advice.

Postings got deeply personal with dreams, visions, nightmares, prayers and the most popular transformative adventure! There was heart break, yearning , romance, and dance.

Now the time has come to move right along to my new venture where I will pour the same passion into my new site, LeadershipSadhana.com and continuation of this quest.

Thank you for your participation on this journey. I am unbelievably honored for your contribution. Please join me in the next stage of (r)Evolution.

Dancing in Relationship, Recovery for Tough Chicks

This weekend I danced with a partner - a real, live flesh and blood partner. In a club no less. It was a bit of a head trip. I haven't danced in a club since my party like a rockstar days. I didn't know what to wear, where to go, how to navigate... hello outside edge of my comfort zone.

I have been on a warrior's path since I can remember. Adventure beyond belief has graced my footsteps. I have traveled the human experience both externally and internally in a way few others are drawn. I have chosen to meet life on my terms, in my way, by myself.

The warrior's path is often lonely. Loneliness has been a price I am willing to pay for freedom and my quest for Truth. My physical body now asks me to explore a new way of being. Community, partnership, relatedness. All of these things confuse me.

Truth be told, I didn't think I would enjoy getting down with another body so close to me. In the last decade the few partner dancing situations I have encountered have felt heavy, like a wet blanket dropped on my dancing soul. My date blew my mind, as he loves to do. He's got rhythm, he's got style. I don't know how to follow.

As I relaxed a little I found myself getting into a groove. Over the night I never really got fully into my groove. I don't know my groove with another. I had a great time trying. I have to remember I'm learning a new skill - it takes time.

Dance is a great metaphor for life, especially for me since dance is my spiritual practice, where I come Home to mySelf. I suspect a lot of partner dancing will teach me to navigate this new era of belonging.

Surrender and Fear of Commitment

Several years ago, without knowing it, I committed to my life being a Spiritual Journey. Taking this step is one of many fortuitous accidents that continue to shape me. As a seeker I am part of several communities - ones I never fully commit to. My dance with community and humanity is asking to be explored. It is one that confounds me. As a person with serious commitment issues I anticipate this will be a curious journey over the next few years.

I am deeply and wholeheartedly committed to my development as a human being. There is nothing else I can trust with no doubt to commit to. Deep in the recesses of my heart I yearn to belong in the fabric of humanity. It is something that calls me, for my development and my contribution. Through my inner travels I have felt myself fully integrated in the natural world, woven into the thread of all existence. I KNOW in every cell of my Being I am a part of the fabric of life.

Fractured in my experience that doesn't translate to people. I trust rattlesnakes more than people - you always know what to expect with a rattlesnake! There are a lot of practical reasons for this with my history... and some lesson I don't yet know how to learn (stay tuned).

In many Spiritual Traditions surrender to a teacher is part of the process. Being who I am I doubt I will ever surrender to a human teacher (other than possibly a lover) in that way. Teachers are first and foremost human, and therefore fallible. For me to surrender I need a bigger holding environment. In my journey, at this point in time, Life herself is the teacher, the lesson and the gift of practice.

A poem I wrote in May on an experience of surrender - I recognized that a decade of dating addicts was a sign of my lack of trust for Life to provide what I really want in a partner: a Spiritual Warrior who can be Present. My surrender in the end lead to progress on my quest.

How the Light Got In (homage to Leonard Cohen)

I feel like a junkie
With my bad boy lust,
Insatiable hunger
for an adrenaline rush.
Arousal or fear?
I can’t tell the difference
It’s an addicts’ high
Compulsively I seek it.

Life on the razor’s edge, bleeding
The only way I feel a thing
The ritual seduction
with trembling desire:
Cocaine
Whips, chains
The pleasure of pain.
EVERY high ends with a crash
In unfillable emptiness
Left in his wake.

I see him in strangers
Who look nothing like him.
His hungry, strung out eyes
Haunting me
For seven years.
His love playful, generous
Accepting the wild child
more often judged.
He forgot one small thing-
His family.
Etched in my body memory
His head on my chest
“so sorry” for life
That wasn’t meant to be.
Seduced, discarded, dismissed.

Coldplay serenaded the break-up
Renegotiated several times over four years,
Not a sober day among them.
Thin white lines drew me from narcotized sleep
To the sharp, intrusive day
With an emptiness so vast not 100 bodies could fill.
Frequent, intense, fear, pain
A brain wired for addiction by violence
Adrenaline, dopamine
The cycle repeats
With felons and addicts filling the beats
A new face, a new story
A new visit to the empty well.
Seduced, discarded, dismissed.

Heroin his solace,
His imprisonment my salvation,
Recovery my quest.
Cocaine dropped in an instant
With one jarring image.
Addiction to criminal addicts
a longer journey that brings me
defeated and humbled to
Resonance
in a room full of equally broken souls.
God – grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Pathologically self-reliant.
Trust?
Fuck.
I would rather walk
Through burning forests
Slaying dragons
With one long sword.
Pathologically self-reliant.
Hot, wet tears stain my skin
with the discovery
I will be in recovery
For the rest of my life.

Please God, is there another way?
Her lips curve in a knowing smile.
She repeats. Trust.
On my knees, where I never go, pleading.
You know I will DO anything.
If I can just DO something,
I’ve got ninja skills.
Then Trust.
Give me something else I scream
Fists ready for a fight.
I have. Now Trust.
Helpless, a tear laced confession,
“I don’t know how”
In that breath peace washes over me.
Surrender. There’s trust.

Keen Body Awareness is a Double-Edged Sword

I'll start with a confession: I occasionally smoke cigarettes. If you know me this will probably shock you, if you don't and you know my yoga tendencies and health freakishness this will probably shock you as well.

So why do it?

Anxiety. I was blessed with an over-active nervous system which gets me out doing adventurous things... and gives me overwhelming anxiety when I am bound to a desk, bored, lonely or going through a major life change.

At my last Diamond Approach weekend I shared this unusual smokin' tidbit about myself and one of the older ladies in the group (I am the youngest by a generation) said, "why don't you question what the anxiety is about instead of smoking?"

"Well, I smoke a couple of cigarettes every several years so I'm not too worried about it. You don't think I spend every waking moment questioning? That's what I do. 2000 hours of formal training over the last several years means I've got a highly honed skill. Sometimes is best to just let it go and thank the chemicals for their assistance."

As I watch my body rage an autoimmune disorder battle I weep from my tailbone to my toes and through the pores of my skin. Sometimes I compassionately numb the trembling with a cigarette and when I'm lucky with a hug or loving massage. When I experience betrayal I tremble all the way through my Being in the same way, pierced to the core. The double-edged sword is that I no longer have the power to repress or hide from the darkness. This means I experience it and the freedom encapsulated in the process.

The gift in feeling the pain so intensely is that I learn to make decisions that honor me while I yearn for deep, rich connection.

And -

When I watch the sun set or enjoy the company of someone dear to me who is Present as well it is one of the richest blessings you can imagine. I feel the love and beauty permeate through my very Being. I vibrate with the ferocious intensity of Life.

In that I have the opportunity to mirror it back to You. If you have the courage, I invite you to come with me on the road less traveled - you will be more alive and more connected than you could imagine. It's only hard 'cause it's worth it.

Seduced

Seduced

by dance.
Again.

I show up
half-naked,
willing.

Who does the seducing?

Me or She?

Does it matter?

No.

Result the same:
Sweaty puddle of bliss.