the voice of silence

This is for all women throughout all time whose bodies and hearts have been violated. October is domestic violence awareness month. A big part of violence is silence. This is voice for all the silent hurts and a plea for a new way of being in the world.

You had no right to ask from me what you didn’t have the balls to give in return.
You had no right to take my love to lick the wounds of your insecurities then discard me.
You had no right to sacrifice my beauty at the altar of your perversion.
You had no right to flirt with other women in front of me and make me feel like less of a person because my rack wasn't as big or my curves were as desirable or I wasn't as cheap.
You had no right to want complete devotion from me and ask me to share you.
You had no right to leave me covered in bruises so deep that I couldn’t leave the house for days.
You had no right to rape me.
You had no right to brand me with a Scarlet letter when you didn’t walk in my shoes.
You had no right to create a child with another woman while you had sworn fidelity to me.
You had no right to accuse me of your indiscretions– or blame me for them.
You had no right to nearly kill me … and not come back for three days.
You had no right to take my innocence, destroy my art and chose imaginary women over me.
You had no right to tear my clothes off on the playground so you could be more of a man.
You had no right to try to destroy me because I intimidate you.
You had no right to lie to me or about me.
You had no right to bring your other girlfriend into my home.
You had no right to bring other women into my bed, even in spirit.
You had no right to withhold affection and punish me for your fears.
You had no right to use religion, ambiguity, jealousy, death threats or size disparity to control me.
You had no right...and yet you did. And I am left here with your rage, your violence and your pain trying to make sense of this world. I am left broken open with wounds that ooze every fucking day. I am left with your nightmares and your diseases and your impoverished spirit.

And I want to heal this. For both of us – for all of us – for the whole world ‘cause we don’t have to keep hurting each other like this.

to all the men who have loved me

I am sorry.
I am sorry for the walls, and the holes in them.
I am sorry I am so surgical in cutting you out when you cross the line. I am sorry you will never get back in.
I am sorry that I am confusing. That I am mellow, chill and let everything go until you hit one of the few points that really gets to me and the fire rages beyond control.
I am sorry I used your support to leave you.
I am sorry I don’t want to have a family with you.
I am sorry I hold back.
I am sorry I intimidate you.
I am sorry for all my pain.
I am sorry I played dumb.
I am sorry I let you get away with so much shit.
I am sorry that my path with always come before you.
I am sorry you can never really have me.
I am sorry I need so much sex.
I am sorry I didn’t communicate more.
I am sorry I wasn’t honest with you about what I liked and didn’t.
I am sorry I love the way I do.
I am sorry that I didn’t love myself enough to not marry you and the hurt it caused.
I am sorry that I am both so wild and so innocent and that I need both polarities loved equally.
I am sorry I set you on a path you may not be able to handle.
I am sorry for scare-ing you.
I am sorry for scaring you.
I am sorry for the wreckage.
There was a time in my life when I was absolutely insane. I am sorry if you came into my life during that time.
I am sorry I didn’t appreciate you.
I am sorry I didn’t stay around for the poetry and music I inspired.
I am sorry I let you go.
I am sorry I never asked for what I really wanted.
I am sorry I never asked you to be a better man to be with me.
I am sorry that I gave myself so fully to you and now you can’t have me.
I am sorry.

Moving Right Along...

Over the last the 2 1/2 years I have poured passion into this blog to figure out how I want to influence and transform the way we live on this planet. It started with the invention of the word recipronomics and The First Law of Recipronomics. It unfolded to musings on the environmental and social impact of our lifestyles ranging from the companies that make stuff and the way we structure them to trends, and (r)Evolution. There are thoughts on business and thoughts on the human condition from different perspectives with ideas to improve the situation.

A fun team building activity got a lot of attention. Somehow obscure terms like resonance made their way into the mix with some sad humor and random connections. The power and perils of declarations stood by taking a stand and a plea for respect with a little advice.

Postings got deeply personal with dreams, visions, nightmares, prayers and the most popular transformative adventure! There was heart break, yearning , romance, and dance.

Now the time has come to move right along to my new venture where I will pour the same passion into my new site, LeadershipSadhana.com and continuation of this quest.

Thank you for your participation on this journey. I am unbelievably honored for your contribution. Please join me in the next stage of (r)Evolution.

Dancing in Relationship, Recovery for Tough Chicks

This weekend I danced with a partner - a real, live flesh and blood partner. In a club no less. It was a bit of a head trip. I haven't danced in a club since my party like a rockstar days. I didn't know what to wear, where to go, how to navigate... hello outside edge of my comfort zone.

I have been on a warrior's path since I can remember. Adventure beyond belief has graced my footsteps. I have traveled the human experience both externally and internally in a way few others are drawn. I have chosen to meet life on my terms, in my way, by myself.

The warrior's path is often lonely. Loneliness has been a price I am willing to pay for freedom and my quest for Truth. My physical body now asks me to explore a new way of being. Community, partnership, relatedness. All of these things confuse me.

Truth be told, I didn't think I would enjoy getting down with another body so close to me. In the last decade the few partner dancing situations I have encountered have felt heavy, like a wet blanket dropped on my dancing soul. My date blew my mind, as he loves to do. He's got rhythm, he's got style. I don't know how to follow.

As I relaxed a little I found myself getting into a groove. Over the night I never really got fully into my groove. I don't know my groove with another. I had a great time trying. I have to remember I'm learning a new skill - it takes time.

Dance is a great metaphor for life, especially for me since dance is my spiritual practice, where I come Home to mySelf. I suspect a lot of partner dancing will teach me to navigate this new era of belonging.

Surrender and Fear of Commitment

Several years ago, without knowing it, I committed to my life being a Spiritual Journey. Taking this step is one of many fortuitous accidents that continue to shape me. As a seeker I am part of several communities - ones I never fully commit to. My dance with community and humanity is asking to be explored. It is one that confounds me. As a person with serious commitment issues I anticipate this will be a curious journey over the next few years.

I am deeply and wholeheartedly committed to my development as a human being. There is nothing else I can trust with no doubt to commit to. Deep in the recesses of my heart I yearn to belong in the fabric of humanity. It is something that calls me, for my development and my contribution. Through my inner travels I have felt myself fully integrated in the natural world, woven into the thread of all existence. I KNOW in every cell of my Being I am a part of the fabric of life.

Fractured in my experience that doesn't translate to people. I trust rattlesnakes more than people - you always know what to expect with a rattlesnake! There are a lot of practical reasons for this with my history... and some lesson I don't yet know how to learn (stay tuned).

In many Spiritual Traditions surrender to a teacher is part of the process. Being who I am I doubt I will ever surrender to a human teacher (other than possibly a lover) in that way. Teachers are first and foremost human, and therefore fallible. For me to surrender I need a bigger holding environment. In my journey, at this point in time, Life herself is the teacher, the lesson and the gift of practice.

A poem I wrote in May on an experience of surrender - I recognized that a decade of dating addicts was a sign of my lack of trust for Life to provide what I really want in a partner: a Spiritual Warrior who can be Present. My surrender in the end lead to progress on my quest.

How the Light Got In (homage to Leonard Cohen)

I feel like a junkie
With my bad boy lust,
Insatiable hunger
for an adrenaline rush.
Arousal or fear?
I can’t tell the difference
It’s an addicts’ high
Compulsively I seek it.

Life on the razor’s edge, bleeding
The only way I feel a thing
The ritual seduction
with trembling desire:
Cocaine
Whips, chains
The pleasure of pain.
EVERY high ends with a crash
In unfillable emptiness
Left in his wake.

I see him in strangers
Who look nothing like him.
His hungry, strung out eyes
Haunting me
For seven years.
His love playful, generous
Accepting the wild child
more often judged.
He forgot one small thing-
His family.
Etched in my body memory
His head on my chest
“so sorry” for life
That wasn’t meant to be.
Seduced, discarded, dismissed.

Coldplay serenaded the break-up
Renegotiated several times over four years,
Not a sober day among them.
Thin white lines drew me from narcotized sleep
To the sharp, intrusive day
With an emptiness so vast not 100 bodies could fill.
Frequent, intense, fear, pain
A brain wired for addiction by violence
Adrenaline, dopamine
The cycle repeats
With felons and addicts filling the beats
A new face, a new story
A new visit to the empty well.
Seduced, discarded, dismissed.

Heroin his solace,
His imprisonment my salvation,
Recovery my quest.
Cocaine dropped in an instant
With one jarring image.
Addiction to criminal addicts
a longer journey that brings me
defeated and humbled to
Resonance
in a room full of equally broken souls.
God – grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Pathologically self-reliant.
Trust?
Fuck.
I would rather walk
Through burning forests
Slaying dragons
With one long sword.
Pathologically self-reliant.
Hot, wet tears stain my skin
with the discovery
I will be in recovery
For the rest of my life.

Please God, is there another way?
Her lips curve in a knowing smile.
She repeats. Trust.
On my knees, where I never go, pleading.
You know I will DO anything.
If I can just DO something,
I’ve got ninja skills.
Then Trust.
Give me something else I scream
Fists ready for a fight.
I have. Now Trust.
Helpless, a tear laced confession,
“I don’t know how”
In that breath peace washes over me.
Surrender. There’s trust.

Socially Acceptable Survivor

At an event tonight I saw a woman wearing a "race for the cure" t-shirt with "survivor" proudly displayed along the side. It struck me as odd that some survivor-ship is socially acceptable and other is not. For example if I wore a "domestic violence and sexual assault survivor" shirt in pretty pink or pale blue how would that be received? I imagine it would make people uncomfortable. Surviving violence is no less heroic than surviving cancer yet somehow carries more shame.



Maybe the commercialization of pink ribbons for breast cancer makes it socially acceptable, maybe because the fight of cancer is against nature not man so "united we stand". I would love for someone working in the DV/SA field to commercialize a blue cracked egg that lives in the social consciousness to symbolize the incredible courage and strength it takes to reclaim power after violence.



Admittedly I thankfully have not had to face the battle of breast cancer in my body so I don't know how they compare for sure... I lost one of my dearest friends, the woman who introduced me to Yoga, Patricia Arters, to breast cancer in my mid-20's, the quick decay from vibrant, feisty, strong woman to tired bones was humbling. Her passing precipitated huge changes in my life, it was an inspiration to live more fully. This invitation required divorcing her son. Life has a funny way of opening.

In the midst of my current opening I stand for equal survivor-ship rights. Will you stand with me?


image credits: the eggs are percussion instruments http://b2b.coastmusic.com/ the shirt race for the cure

Sex is a Journey not a Destination

Curiously, I peek my head back into the world of dating after a therapeutic reprieve. Interesting world at my door step.

I took to a party what I thought was a simple guideline for meeting people: a decent, healthy human being who turns me on and is available. Not such an easy bill to fill after all. The evening was filled with fun interactions, interesting conversations and DANCING! As the party wound down a kid a decade my junior came into a conversation a friend and I were having about crazy people being good in bed and impossible in relationships. Now, I am experimental and adventurous by nature... and open and expressive. From wild he interpreted easy. On the dance floor he latched on to me and didn't take the hint when I clearly backed away every time he came close. Finally when he physically tried to draw me close to him I pushed back with "I am independent and need a hell of a lot of space" (especially when dancing). By his subsequent behavior (and sharply honed intuition) I knew he expected to come home with me. WTF? I don't know how wild translated in his head to assuming he had rights... and I'm kind of pissed about it, still.

wild does not mean easy

I embrace my wild side. Tattoos turn me on. I relish time with those who have not fully tamed their inner feral animals. The irrational spark of wild unbridled passion ignites a hunger in me. I am experimental and adventurous by nature. This helps push my unique evolutionary envelope. Adventurous experiments also mean I don't follow conventional rules for sexual behavior. That doesn't mean I am easy, in fact I am fucking picky... in my own unique and unconventional way.

More than once when sharing the story of a road less traveled someone (not particularly interesting, sexy, adventurous or wild) hearing that story has tried to kiss, grope or fondle me. I can see how wild would spark desire. After all, I know that feeling myself. What I can't wrap my head around is how they assume that because I push the envelope, I am there for the taking.

I can't entirely blame the guys, I march to the beat of my own drummer, probably not on this planet. I am sure they are expecting something else. Several years ago I did a lot of Muay Thai kick-boxing. Punching was a natural component in my muscle memory. Hours upon hours of practice brought this home. My Muay Thai career started as a women's self-defense workshop through my volunteer work as a advocate for survivors of domestic and sexual violence. I enjoyed the workshop so much I continued training at the facility that hosted the event. Several months into training I was dancing with a girlfriend at a club. I felt unknown hands behind me on my hips. My next memory was drawing my fist back after punching him squarely in the chest. His hands were raised to the side saying "don't hurt me." Another experience in his life taught him this was acceptable behavior, hopefully I rewired a little in his brain.

I still can't make the connection why Joe Shmoe thinks I would have any interest in something so utterly mundane as a random hook-up just 'cause they are there. I think the underlying principle for them is sex, for me it is exciting.

sex should be exciting

Life should be exciting. If it doesn't turn you on why do it (this principle is carrying over into more areas of my life)? The journey is the key. Sex doesn't have to be a sex circus - over rated. It is all about the journey, not the destination. There MUST be passion, desire, thrill, tenderness, riding waves of energy together. There has to be connection. Roaming lips, roaming hands, roaming exploration. When I come to sex I am looking for a shared journey, I can get the destination on my own. What I need a partner for is the surprise, opening new doors of awareness, revealing new things about myself, about how I relate, about what turns me on... in that moment. It changes, frequently. That's part of the thrill of the journey. Maybe that's why I have liked sex with crazy people - there is always an unknown. In the most prominent such relationship, on and off for several years, in my life there were a few things broken - including furniture and my heart. I think this was Leonard Cohen's "there's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." That crack was widened by a betrayal that graciously ended the relationship.

nothing kills passion like betrayal

enough said... no matter the nature of the relationship, honor it passion flows in waves, betray it game over. This can be romantic relationship, friendships or working relationships. Same with yoga practice - if you betray the body, pushing it too far it breaks down. Translated equally to life.

Honor connection, honor life and enjoy good sex.

Gain Peace of Mind, Lose Street Ninjas

Dunya, my Dancemeditation teacher, explains the Sufi practice of whirling as an acknowledgment that we always turn toward one thing and away from another. In the brutally heart-wrenching process of ending a relationship I explore these choices:

Gain space, lose companionship
Gain self-respect, lose best friend
Gain self-awareness, lose keys (comical how stress compounds stress)
Gain interdependence, lose sense of isolation
Gain depth and discrimination, lose illusion
Gain self-reliance, lose comfort
Gain tight muscles and fever blisters, lose tears
Gain anger and distance, lose attachment
Gain more truth in my life, lose long pattern of enduring lies
Gain sleep, lose Jackson Hole
Gain fear, lose fear

Gain fear, lose fear? Not a koan, only recognition of the outstanding power in consciously walking through the fire, letting awareness dance in the flames… transforming. Experience fear, lose fear perhaps more accurate. It has been said that our development progresses along a spiral. We revisit key issues from different perspectives as we grow. Multi-perspective insight supports our evolution.

This break-up and concurrent move triggered deep issues of survival, isolation and abandonment (oddly as the one leaving – but it is there). An opportunity emerges to explore interdependence and boundaries in a new light. Deeply grateful for the near decade of deep transformative work on my tool belt, I walk, cry and laugh through the learning exposing new depths to each issue.

Following Darkness, Light

The sun is shining, the days are longer, the flat on my bike is fixed and thanks to my boyfriend I have and know how to use a patch kit. I rode the bike down the street last night to test the gears. Even the chill in the evening air felt good. I miss my nearly 7 mile one way (up hill in the snow both ways barefoot with snow leaches) hilly cardio-fest bike commute to my carpool and look forward to the Summer and Fall torture fest up Millcreek and down through the Canyons into Park City. It's a long commute to work though serenely beautiful and unbelievably rewarding. Bring it!

My challenge is to work through all of the exercises in Mary Bond's book in the next 20 days.

Day 21 & 22 - Breath and Orientation in movement. I notice more openness than the first time I worked through these explorations a few months ago. RemedyWave last night was deep and wonderful, 90 minutes felt like 12. My practice is taking on a different quality, more clarity along with the natural deepening. Confidence and trust are interweaving, craving radiance and movement.

After the Bliss, the Agony - Riding the Wave (Days 13-20)

A tumble of pains and emotions - the highlights got a great new mattress (latex memory foam) - look forward to molding with it. Structural Integration series - about mid-week I noticed my right shoulder blade align better from the work last Saturday, it was a subtle shift and a great joy. As I shared with Dan he mentioned the settling process can take half a year and I should expect many such delights. This Saturday we worked on inner legs support, extremely painful. Often when something won't release Dan will have me stretch and then let my eyes roll side to side to help dig in (less painfully). While I don't understand all of this yet I am aware of the depth of inter-connectivity and astounded. Here is a related post on Mary Bond's blog. I realize how protected the area we worked on is for me. I am still aware of some tightening in my right hip. Dan mentioned that what happens in the shoulders happens in the hips to this may be residue from the broken collar bone that will begin to right itself through the unwinding. Insightful session through the conversation on Zen and the Art of Archery, taking fabulous body practices to people in their language to meet their needs.

Slaying relationship demons. Evidence is a relief, yet I knew the truth and waited. Is my knowing any less true than evidence? As I look at my part - lack of communication. Steps are being considered that should have been taken a year ago. How would this be different if I pushed these steps a year ago? What is the trade-off? If trust is eroded in one area can it exist in another? A dear friend believes so, he loves me and would never let anything bad happen to me. We need the deepest layers of trust - rock climbing and AcroYoga - an unprotected fall without a good belay could mean life or death.

Grateful for a nice Sunday teaching Yoga (would have enjoyed more than 3 hours sleep - neighbor's party even after moved indoors at my request was loud until 2am and I had to be up at 5am), snowboarding in some more cool new spots, nice dinner at home and an early bedtime.

The Blissful Body Weekend

Thursday, Day 9 - Our Diamond Approach inquiry was the contours of the body. My sensation internally alone, visually in a mirror and internally in groups found a broad and barely related spectrum - I disappear in groups, no wonder I don't like them!

Friday, Day 10 - Felt the right side of my body compressed. Looking forward to Saturday's Structural Integration session to work some of that out. Found that I was able to enjoy a going away gathering for my boss (who will be greatly missed) - in a group setting I was able to stay present, yay inquiry!

Saturday, Day 11 - Structural Integration session 3. Elongating the side bodies, breath, openness especially around the collar bone on the right side. My homework includes walking with a pillow on my head, finding that plumb line, then turning and moving with the pillow, keeping the plumb line in motion. As I was practicing my boyfriend walked into the room and shook his head (he has come to expect such things from me). My response, "yes, I recognize I have a pillow on my head." The other section of homework is to interlace my fingers with hands facing the earth and rotate the hands forward and back and loosely as possible to let both collar bones work together. In the evening enjoyed a deep practice, found the relaxation I was seeking and noticed a reddish/maroon color I often see to the left outside my head in front of my body is becoming a deep purple with a white light breaking through the center. Reminds me of the Leonard Cohen lyric, "there's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." I refer to this often to flow with challenges.

I must be allergic to organic celery root. As I climbed into bed my hands and feet itched. At first it felt like the uncomfortable tingling sensation when a limb that is asleep starts to wake up. I was excited, hoping that Dan released some held fascia that would let my circulation in the extremities flow more freely and my fingers and toes would finally be warm. No such luck (though I'm still not ruling it out). The itching was so strong I had to get out of bed and lotion/oil/dance to relieve it. Soon my hands were red and I noticed it had spread to my face, neck and legs. For dinner I had prepared organic celery root (from our CSA, an adventure in food I would not otherwise know) for the first time with tomatoes and sage. After a few hours I was finally able to rest. In the morning my skin was back to normal color - whew.

Sunday, Day 12 - Snowboarding at Snowbird. Explored some fun new terrain with my boyfriend. Enjoyed garlic burgers and attended a going away party for one of my favorite yoga teachers with talk about intentional living communities (introduced to Findhorn where I would love to take a sabbatical), solar/human powered bikes and retreat. Ending the day with a gentle Dancemeditation practice with thoughts of bringing together my more mystically minded friends for Mystical Dance in the park with some AcroYoga.

Aaah, the Blissful Body how I love thee.

Moving Through

Saturday, Day 4 was my second in the Structural Integration series - foundation, feet, legs, hips. My hips naturally curved back which we corrected. I feel the right side returning to some of the holding pattern (something deeper hidden there) and some static in my neck. Will be curious to watch how it unfolds.

Sunday, Day 5 - early morning class at Snowbird after hearing the neighbors chat until the wee hours. Difficult to teach sleep deprived though it changes the dynamic to be slower and possibly deeper. Yay afternoon naps. Sleep is my friend and companion in health - physical and emotional. Lack of sleep ads difficult challenges to my practice. Sunday evening brought to light a particularly painful awareness in my relationship, one I've known for a long time, just without evidence. Communication channels open - choices for growth. How do I balance compassion with him and his struggle with attention to my needs and compassion for my journey. After cultivating so much body awareness I wanted it all to stop so I could function without feeling as I did for so many years. Instead I feel because it is all I can do, and learn to transmute and explore.

Monday, Day 6 - prompted by a dinner discussion with friends Saturday experimented with Binaural Beats. From the descriptions I was curious with how they relate to Sufi states. My experience is that they are quite similar, a deep meditation, a quick way in. Resting on the floor I was aware of my skeleton. I sensed cords unwrapping from my right side through the rib cage and around the shoulder, moving into the hips. Most of the cords melted out, some still weigh in the right hip. I sense tension in the quad to stabilize. Often in deep meditative states the meat of my body melts away and a fluid internal world opens. This may be one of the first times the skeleton has been in such sharp awareness. Because of my explorations with anatomy? Because of the healing needed?

Tuesday, Day 7 - Dance! Remedy Wave with Shannon Simonelli - a much needed opportunity to move, explore and tear. My familiar movement is spiraling - hips start and arms flow outward following. Interwoven was my take-away word, sensing my spiral of development opening and embracing. Feeling the growth from years of work to face issues with fresh perspective and strength.

Wednesday, Day 8 - the day started by meeting with an inspiring group of visionary entrepreneurs and a renewed commitment to my personal practice.